I honor and appreciate people who have a sunny disposition and an optimistic, positive view of life, but my inner life doesn’t work that way. It seems to me normal and routine for my mind to be more negative than positive, dwelling on resentments about hurts, disappointments, slights, losses, and other negative experiences of my life. Sometimes my resentfulness is just an undercurrent of unspecific negative feelings that darken whatever I am doing. Sometimes an event in my current life triggers a storm of active resentment by reminding me of a past hurt and the emotions I felt at the time.

I have recently become more aware of my resentfulness because of two experiences that reminded me of old pain. I was invited to go horseback riding by a friend, but I had to decline because I do not know how to ride a horse. In my disappointment I encountered my resentment of the fact that I was never given a chance to learn to ride horses when I was a child. From growing up on farms, my parents were both experienced with horses and riding. We lived in a rural community, so my parents were friendly with people who had horses and enjoyed riding. It seems to me that it would have been quite easy and probably inexpensive for my parents to arrange opportunities for me and my siblings to learn the basics of horseback riding. That never happened, and I resent it now that I do not have the skills necessary to enjoy the pleasure of riding a horse with a friend.

I began marital work with a couple whose situation reminded me very much of the time, now many years ago, when my ex-wife and I sought the help of a marital counselor. Remembering my own experience as a client as I listened to this couple tell their stories, I felt deep resentment about my ex-wife’s behavior and about the way our counselor handled our case. I am fully aware of the ways that I contributed to the breakdown of my first marriage, but I resent the particular choices my ex-wife made as she responded to her unhappiness. I resent our counselor’s failure to deal more directly with her behavior, which at least prolonged the agony of the ending of our marriage. I am pleased that the couple I have been counseling are moving strongly toward a renewed marriage.

These two situations are just a sample of the pages and pages I could write about the details of my resentfulness. I have made an important discovery as I have been thinking about all of my resentments about my parents, ex-wife and counselor, other members of my family, teachers and fellow students from kindergarten through grad school, various institutions, bosses and coworkers, etc., etc.

I discovered that my resentfulness is a huge waste of emotional energy. The disappointments of my childhood happened a long time ago, and my mom and dad are no longer living to do anything about their parenting failures. My ex-wife and I have both recovered from the losses of our divorce. It is a problem for no one but me when I am filled with negative, resentful feelings.

Being resentful is very unpleasant. My happiness is diminished and my emotional energy is wasted by my resentfulness, so I have decided to undertake the emotional project of reducing resentment in my life. I am not sure that I have discovered all the best ways to arrive at this goal, but I have found two tools that have helped me take the first steps toward it. Now I can repeat these behaviors until they become habits.

First, I can make a point of reminiscing about some of my happiest moments, occasions of achievement and success, unforgettably wonderful experiences, and times when I have felt deeply loved and fulfilled. For this particular project, the most valuable of those memories are ones that relate to people and settings that also caused me pain. I can make the choice to fill my mind with the good memories rather than the painful ones, and instead of resentful, I feel grateful.

For example, I never will forget an evening when I sat next to my wife, years before she became my ex-wife, in the second row of an opera hall. We heard Beverly Sills sing the role of Violetta in Verdi’s La Traviata. It was a spectacular, amazing evening of music. The lovely arias that she sang still lift my spirits every time I hear them. As part of my project of reducing resentment I checked a recording of that opera out of the library and listened to it. I was taken back to a truly wonderful evening of music during the years that I was married to my ex-wife. I believe that those good memories reduced my resentment about her and the pain of divorcing.

Second, I am actively seeking ways for my resentments to motivate me toward positive change. My feelings about past disappointments and failures can point to ways that I can be more satisfied with my life today and energize me to make those changes.

For example, my resentment about my lack of horseback riding skills can push me toward learning to ride now. If I want it badly enough, I can find a stable, set aside the time and money for lessons, buy the necessary gear, and endure the embarrassment of a being a beginner. The same process could help me reduce my resentments over never being allowed to buy a motorcycle when I was a teenager, not studying abroad as a college student, etc., etc.

As the years of life pass, it becomes more and more clear that I do not have time and energy to waste on useless activities. The resentful process of remembering old pain, reliving moments of distress, and feeling again the emotions they generated, is largely, if not completely, unproductive. It will be much better if I can spend my days whistling the tunes of operas that have thrilled me, occasionally go horseback riding, or take a motorcycle tour in Europe.
Copyright Gregg Dana 2007