There are countless things that any job brings with it and if you haven’t done that job, there’s stuff you’re not going to know. But I thought it might be enlightening to do a little show and tell – some things it would never occur to you that a convention chair would have to deal with, would be subjected to, would be wasting her time on.

Mind you I am aware that 99.99999 percent of this can and should be ignored but dammit, you can’t ignore something until you’ve read it and wasted your time on it. And I know it shouldn’t irk me - it’s just people “doing business” but it’s on my list of Things That I Consider Rude – wasting someone ELSE’s time. Because you can. Because you have their email address.

EVERY ONE OF THESE IS REAL, folks.

Emails from golf courses in some city several hundred miles away from the convention city, suggesting you plan a golf weekend for your guests.

Emails that say “welcome to Seattle” from people wanting to sell you everything from video services to whatever – because they have one stupid form letter and cannot be bothered to note where the event is based. I know my email doesn’t give a city label but the assumption that you’re from out of town strikes me as odd and unnecessary.

Sending detailed publicity email about an author who has nothing whatsoever to do with mystery – not fiction, not fact, not true crime not reference – nothing and suggesting that the convention would of course want this person to sign books at your convention.

Despite explaining at length what “convention membership” is and what it means to be a “convention member”, and saying “convention members are getting X” , receiviing emails from people who have not joined the convention saying “I haven’t gotten X and want it. Why haven’t I received X” when it’s for members.

Getting questions about conventions you’re not running, you know nothing about and really don’t have time for researching, having to explain that you’re not Anchorage, you’re not England, all the things you’re not…..

Getting solicitation emails from someone purporting to sound like an old friend, someone you’ve talked to before, trying to sell you services a) you don’t want b) that might have been useful TWO YEARS BEFORE and c) telling you that such services are free (site selection services – which mostly involves having a telephone, calling a hotel and asking for the sales department; if you have a convention/visitor’s bureau they can do it to. FOR FREE. But I guess that’s true of so many “services” since there are people out there who will bring food to your house and cook, and who you can pay to do registration (I can’t imagine going to a convention and finding paid “staff” doing that – yes, my experience in life has been about 100 genre conventions but it’s one of the key things about a con; the way you are greeted as you walk in, that it’s friendly faces and it’s something we fans do so well. I know those folks at professional events are paid – but then I also have been to a dozen or more auctions at these conventions and can tell you that the ones that work the best, the ones that are fun and enjoyable are the ones not using “professional” auctioneers, but our own people because they knew folks, they can have fun, they KNOW the items being sold (ah, drift down memory lane with me now as we attend a convention auction a few years back where the auctioneer was explaining how a particular item would increase in value because the author of the book had just died. The author, a wonderful guy, was a huge friend to the con committee and the local fans. I knew him and I wanted to throw UP when I heard that callous, tacky, rude, ignorant comment, made in front of dozens of his friends, when he’d died just a few weeks before.)

As I say, it’s not that even stretching one’s brains, one might say “well okay, this service is appropriate” but half the time this stuff is crap. The other half it comes so late as to be totally useless and I STILL think that taking up/wasting someone’s time is RUDE. Does it matter more that that someone is ME? Yes. Why? Well cuz. Um, cuz a) I think wasting the time of a volunteer might be more of a rudeness than wasting the time of someone who at least is paid to take crap and b) you all know by now how little tolerance I have. I can’t SIT here a lot. I am fighting to walk every friggin’ day with hips that are um, well, dissolving. I hurt – we just upped my hydrocodone intake again. I don’t have TIME for this. But it is all part of the “well just throw it out if you don’t want it” culture. NO, how’s about you DON’T SEND IT TO BEGIN WITH so I don’t have to spend time telling you to go away, waste time reading and tossing, waste time telling you not to do it again when I didn’t want you to do it to start with….one annoying catalogue is annoying. Five of them, when you said DO NOT SEND ANY MORE CATALOGUES WITH you first order? That’s rude. It’s better than spam but not much since it still takes time to read, review, and toss.

The emails pretty much scolding me for not running a writer’s conference and wondering why I’m not; complaining that LCC isn’t offering what at least 17 other writer’s conferences offer (because we’re not a writer’s conference). As I have tried to explain, I work on conventions because they are for me and my friends and peers and my “community”. It’s my “contribution”. My way of repaying the community I’m part of. I don’t run writer conferences because I’m not paid to do so, which I would have to be. I’m not a writer so I don’t benefit from the activities of a writer’s conference. The same reason I’ve quit organizations that were supposed to be for everyone in the genre, but which were really for writers and I found that I got woefully little out of being a member. (I know, when writers win, I win, but you know what I mean, right?) (Some years ago I was approached to do some free p.r. for a professional organization and was dumfounded at the idea. Not that I dislike the organization but it was for pros, and they wanted me to do stuff for them for nothing. I couldn’t understand why. I have done stuff for conventions for nothing- of course – but professional writer organizations? Er, huh?

I was scolded once some years ago for LCC ‘97’s “failure” to observe “tradition but not giving “the Lefty”. How could I decide not to give out a traditional award? And I got to explain that the damn thing had been done ONCE by the folks who did LCC in ’96 and that was the entire “tradition” of the damn award, for a convention which was begun in 1990. (somewhat like people who want to know why the Anthony awards aren’t posted for years before there are Anthony Awards) (the first Anthonys were given in 1986; the first Bouchercon was in 1970). But the person who was upset at me had not asked, hadn’t looked it up, had just assumed the ’97 committee had breached some huge etiquette barrier (oh it wasn’t given in 2001 either).

This week in between all the emails, I got stuff done and planned some meetings and got some more program questionnaires in. I emailed about the auction, put out feelers to a new taping service, and set up 3 meetings about special events at the convention. I promised to set up another. I spoke to the hotel and set up a meeting there to talk about the room block, the banquet, and more. I figured out what I was doing wrong on the Chair’s Message blog. I did a little outreach to folks. That’s all the sort of thing that I should be doing.

What I don’t really want to do more of is explaining to too many more people why we aren’t doing a program on “how to get an agent”, or explaining that no, we don’t want/need to pay a staff to do registration – that Helen HAS her staff pretty much all set and they are better, faster and friendlier than most paid registration folks I’ve ever seen.

I don’t understand why more people don’t look stuff up THEN ask questions. I’ve complained about this on some lists – that ONE “Google” works wonders. If you have gotten as far as LCC’s web page, there’s stuff there to explain WHAT LCC is, WHERE it is, WHAT we do and don’t do, HOW to join, HOW to be involved in program, WHAT a convention is, and more. But I still get emails asking me stuff that is really easy to find.

And three years from now, when I get inquiries about LCC because they don’t bother to look ANYthing up first and think it’s okay – again read “rude” - to waste someone’s time” to inquire if you’ll need their services even when your particular event was 2 years ago, and could have Googled and had current information in 2.6 seconds….will anyone understand if I get annoyed?

Okay now In case you think – dear god, does she hate it so much – I hasten to say I’ve vastly overstated the weight of these things and that they’ve happened sometimes years ago. That I DO get over it and many times it’s worked out really well – the person who turns around and says “Oh, can I help you get your name off that list so you’re not bothered again?” (which just happened and was so thoughtful). And the notes coming in on the program questionnaires which are enthusiastic and saying wonderful things about the suggested topics and the folks ARE reading the instructions I’ve asked them to read and ARE replying in the manner I asked so that I know what panels they want to be on and I don’t have to spend time guessing. And there are so many things going right – but those are the things you tend to see. I thought you might find it interesting to have a taste of the OTHER stuff (Bill Pronzini refers to his choices of really bad writing in “GUN IN CHEEK” as “alternate classics” or “alternative classics”. Sort of like that.) And no I don’t hate it, honest and true – I do this because I want to, but I also sometimes just just well, YOU understand, don’t you?

Speaking of alternative classics, the Bulwer-Lytton winners were posted in the newspaper today. I recommend the webpage to you (http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2006.htm) – I really adore the one that was runner-up to the grand prize. There, isn’t that better now?