I've never understood the idea of New Year's REsolutions. Maybe that's inaccurate and what I mean is that resolutions just don't make sense to me. This comes out of a long-time reluctance to plan. i developed this oddity years ago, when I first started dealing with the whole chronic pain issue, because so often, I'd find, I could not plan. Period. I would feel fine, or at least okay, and then, well, not. Even when, as a science fiction and convention fan, i knew where i'd be every Labor Day for years (that used to be a truism as Worldcon was often held on Labor Day Weekend), everyday plans continued to be offy. When I was 30, the day I turned thirty, my then-partner, Bob Sparks, planned a surprise party for me. Alas, i learned of it several days earlier but tired not to show it. And on that day, I was in serious pain and really didn't want to leave the house. But I went along with his flimsy story about dinner, and well, it was so sweet. I still remember what a huge thrill it was for me to realize he'd hired my favorite band - no really - to play. My favorite band, then and now, tends to be any bluegrass ensemble that Laurie Lewis plays in. Many of the attendees at the party had no idea who she was. Alas. But what a sweet thing to do.

I tend to find myself making those big decisions, the "oh yeah" decisions when I am not thinking about them. i used to visit a women-only retreat in Napa (which I learned of at my then dentist's office, bless them) and come away realizing something big. it was being away from people and telephones and routine and schedules, maybe.

Today, I came up with two shower resolutions. Not about showers, no, but they came in the shower. One is to fund a project on "kickstarter". I have felt great joy at kiva.org, the microlending website. Currently, I sponsor two women, one a woman in Mongolia, a single parent with three children, one of whom is disabled. She supports her family by sewing. I also support a woman in Kenya who purchased a dairy cow. If this sounds like fun, there's a link below.

But one of the cool things about Facebook is that you occasionally see something in passing and you grab it and read. That happened last year hearing about Kickstarter. I went to the website and got lost. Like Kiva, there are so many amazing stories. I've added a link to this site so you can see for yourself what it is. They describe themselves as "the world's largest funding platform for creative projects."

That one was easy.

2011 was an awful year. A lot of us feel that way. For me, 2011 was "The Year My Mom Died" and everything was colored by that. I know I have not been there enough for my friends when they've lost a parent and I am disappointed in myself, and ashamed, for that. I lost my Dad quite a while ago and miss him still, still want to call him, and I've missed my step-dad Howard big time, but my mother's absence has been huge. I've had trouble concentrating, have developed insomnia and just went on antidepressants. Wow, big surprise there.

Much has been resolved by my sister and I are still dealing with the smaller issues (the headstone to mark her grave) and big issues (a wonderful condo in a lousy economy) and all the financial kipple that comes with someone dying. So I've read little, reviewed very few books, and dive back into comfort reading often.

A few months ago, I began a research project that has had fits and starts and which, I hope, will involve a lot of my time in 2012. It was triggered by my mom's death and the realization that a family story is on the verge of being lost. In the hope that we can find out if this story has real truth to it, I've begun what one person who talked with me, has dubbed "a treasure hunt". I am hoping my cousin is still interested in this project too. And I don't mean to be coy, but I will post about that on a different day. It has, so far, involved museums, the New York Public Library, and megadoses of internet searches. The history of a small town in Maine. Immigration records. And an on-line paper doll.

So here it is. What I decided in yon shower an hour or so ago is to find that draft, that manuscript of that Berkeley-based mystery novel I tried to write many years ago, and start anew, seeing if any of it is salvageable, come at it a different way, and see if, after waiting several years, I can write fiction - something I have tended to suck at. I began this after a number of wonderful people said to me, after a certain convention I worked on, "well, so what are you going to do now? And my snappy answer was, "Well, hell, write a mystery of course. I mean look at this place. A hotel, a bunch of mystery writers, readers, fans. Great setting, terrific characters." And I did. Sort of. Actually, that ended up as book 3, because I needed to get my character established and she did a lot of things before working on a mystery convention.

I'm terrified. I may give it up after two days. I haven't read it in years. It's not even on this laptop and I need to somehow fire up the iMac and find it. At least I have the "treasure hunt" if this doesn't pan out. I'd say "wish me luck" but I can't. Wish me something, would you?