...nothing here is promised, not one day... Lin-Manuel Miranda

Energy and extra spoons
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Many of you probably have heard about "The spoon theory" which caught on with a lot of us tryng to explain the limitations of disability and energy. If you would like to read up on it go here

Pain is not a chronic illness but it is a chronic condition that can really zap your strength. Likewise with depression.

I've spent the last fifteen or so months needing extra spoons. Pain? check. Depression? Check. Lots of rain? Check. No fun alone? Check.

I've spent the last few weeks being very nervous as I find myself with more energy than I've had for a very long time. It's not consistent, and by "energy" I probably mean far less than most people (I took down the recycling. Yay. Hurray.) but it's sorta, kinda like maybe 10 to 20% better. I still nap. I still hurt and i am still depressed and sad and lonely, I'm still, in an odd way, catching up from my energy outputs in recent years, but oh! It's lovely

Trying to let yourself off the hook is so hard. So many of us know this. We accept those we love, our friends admitting they are tired and depressed and can't do what they would like to do, but then, the stupid in-the-mirror quasi-pep-talk thing happens. (and no it does not sound like Bela Karolyi yelling "you can do EET!" just in case you wondered). And I admit, as I say to being nervous because well, what if I'm wrong? What if it is/was a fluke? What if I begin to plan to do more and end up doing my fabulous world-class portrayal of "The Bed Slug"? And I know this one too because when i've tried things over the years that are aimed at easing pain and they work, Ive tried not to overthink it and hope I'm not deluding myself.

But in recent weeks, I've done a little more and a little more. I've planned to attend two big events. I have a ticket to see the great Malala Yousafzai in July and next month will be going to a performance that honors the great Janis Joplin (and there you have Andi in a nutshell). I started a little house project yesterday, all the while hitting forehead with base of hand going "stupid stupid stupid" because it would eld up all over the floor and in fact finished it this afternoon. Still more to do but a difference was made.

And through it all, yes I still feel Stu. I was a bit worried that this gain in energy woulld require a letting go of Stu. Ain't gonna happen. Maybe a letting go of guilt and sorrow, but not when someone has your back, not when he's still woven into you.

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