10 RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be here to deliver a pizza because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me unless it is on the arm to escort her out the door. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off her body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their pants so loose they appear to be falling of their hips. I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your pants do not accidentally fall off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten them securely in place at your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me assure you: when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, you might think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Don't. The only information I require from you is when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only answer I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine wih me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, do not sigh and fidget no matter how long it may take. My daughter is getting ready, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like washing and waxing my car.

Rule Eight. The following places are not appropriate for dates with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns in sight. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or touching. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other that overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped to the throat. movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are ok, hockey games would be good. Old folk's homes would be better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted old fool. Let me reassure you,on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Otherwise, I have a gun, a shovel, and 5 acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid, be very afraid. Sometimes when my Agent Orange acts up the voices in my head tell me to clean my guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, it is hard to differentiate between the sound of your car and the incessant thumping of rotor blades in a hot LZ in the middle of the desert. You should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimiter password, anounce that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no reason for you to come inside or to linger outside. The camoflauged face you see at the window will be mine.

Now go out and enjoy yourselves. Just not too much.