Alright, let's do this. I came here to do two things -- drink some beer and kick some ass. Looks like we're almost out of beer...well, that's not true, there's plenty downstairs. And I haven't been drinking any anyway. In any case, what I'm really here to do is call out two douchebags on their douchebaggery.

First up is Uwe Boll, an awful, awful filmaker who has brought us such gems as "Bloodrayne" and "House of the Dead." House of the Dead gets a 2.0 out of 10 rating on imdb.com, while Bloodrayne scores a whopping 2.5. Nothing like a good movie based on a vampire video game. They always turn out well, especially when the filmaker is an incompetent hack. I didn't even pay to see Bloodrayne and I feel like some money is owed to me regardless.

If you haven't heard, Boll has been fighting his film critics, knocking a few of them unconscious. Here's the thing--they were pussies. Fuck you, Boll. You've got money, somehow, incredibly--come meet me for a streetfight. Let's take the gloves off. You don't understand how much anger I have at having watched part of your movie. Yeah, part of it. I couldn't even finish watching a movie that showed Kristanna Lokken naked and making out with Michelle Rodriguez, because it was that fucking awful. I watched it with a few friends because we thought it would be bad enough to be funny. Wrong. It was bad enough to inspire people to commit suicide. Rumor has it T.O. was watching it on Tuesday. Let's do this, bitch.

On a side note, Ben Kingsley, what the fuck were you doing in 'Bloodrayne?' I mean, really. ??????

Next up--Russell Crowe. He had this to say about the media because of an allegedly false report about him being interested in playing Steve Irwin in a biopic:
"I think -- I think it's rotten to the core. I think it's full of a whole bunch of people who write late into the night while drinking themselves into oblivion. And I think it's a very nasty situation that we've got ourselves in the world, where you cannot go to a news source and reliably be told the truth."

Man, you have my newsroom down to a fucking t. It's a nonstop party in there. I go into work thinking, 'Wow, I can't wait to see how shitfaced I can get at work today. Need to hit the bottle to get those creative juices flowing." And you know, I've heard that's how The New York Times and The Guardian and the other outlets that Crowe slandered operate as well.

Next thing you know, I've finished a libelous story and then I'm throwing a phone at a concierge because she said "whatever" to me. Oh wait, that was cinderella man himself who did that, I had that completely wrong. I almost libeled myself just there. But you can hardly fault me, because I've been drinking myself into oblivion while I write.

Hey Crowe, maybe you can take Boll down. I mean, you've played a gladiator and a boxer, right? And you've been known to attack people significantly weaker than you. Do it.

This just in: "The Quick and the Dead" is the greatest movie ever. And "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" (Boll's latest can't-miss flick) surely has the greatest movie title of all time.

Shit.