Rachel S. Heslin
Thoughts, insights, and mindless blather

Seeking spark
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The past few weeks (years? my life?) seem to have been alternative waves of feeling:

* happy and motivated
* listless and unfocussed
* like an utter and complete basket case

Fortunately, although Shawn does sometimes express his consternation with periods of prolonged neurosis on my part, he is really incredibly tolerant and supportive.

I know that some of it is physiological. I've had "allergies" since I was a kid, the type that don't mean runny noses but which manifest themselves as intense mood swings and loss of consciousness, rather like being drugged.

For 13 years, I gave myself shots every three days to try to counter these reactions, then I decided to try to do it on my own. I stay away from foods I know I have problems with (well, except for bread stuffs; it's the yeast and I really should drop them entirely as well) and we moved somewhere without smog and with very little mold due to the aridity. I take lots of Alka Seltzer Gold (the stuff without aspirin: it helps rebalance the body's electrolytes and works wonders.)

But it's not just environmental illnesses. I know some of it is psychological as well, and I've been addressing internal issues as I discover them. Sometimes, all it takes is a little push to break the inertia.

Today, I got that push from Greg's journal. He'd written an entry about a story he'd liked of Tim's, and someone else posted a link to God of the Crossroads.

I used to be terribly afraid of making decisions, of closing doors to other possibilities that might have been wonderful, had I not made that other choice.

You know what I discovered? I was right. Doors left behind can't be reopened.

But you know what else I learned?

There will always be more doors.

Of course, now my next challenge is to complete projects, rather than constantly being distracted by new possibilities. So I am going to finish the RenFaire database today. I think. I'll give it a shot, anyway.

Keys tuned: 5


Keep in mind always the present you are constructing. It should be the future you want.
--Alice Walker

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