So, when I tried to log on to my AOL account from work yesterday, I received a message stating that my account was “temporarily unavailable”.

I knew what this meant. One of my children had been naughty again.

This has happened before. Either my son or my daughter lands in a chat room, the conversation becomes inflammatory, ‘words’ are exchanged, someone gets their BVDs in a bunch and complains to the AOL Guardians of Good Taste, and the next thing I know I’m being called on the carpet and required to change my passwords.

AOL does send me an email outlining the offense, and I usually respond by limiting the offending child’s access to chats or IMs or whatever until they come to me on their knees begging to be reinstated, and promising me that – on pain of being unplugged – they will never never never ever do it again. No biggie.

Yesterday, however, when I got home, took my slap on the wrist from TOSBrownshirt of the Teen Chat SS, and updated my passwords, I received an email outlining what – in this case – my lovely daughter had said that raised AOL’s hackles.

To quote: she said, “I have suspicions that President Bush is technically retarded.”

That’s it. She didn’t scribble profanities, defame other chat room visitors, utter vulgarities, or flame anyone. She simply had the audacity to write an opinion regarding the mental capacity of the Doofus In Chief. Apparently, some right wing kid in the room couldn’t handle a little W-bashing, and filed a complaint with the Secret Chat Police.

Now, I would like to take a moment here to reiterate my own opinions. While ol’ George may not qualify in terms of actual IQ scores as an imbecile, it doesn’t take long to recognize that he is, in no particular order, Socially Retarded, Militarily Retarded, Ecologically Retarded, and – perhaps his worst offense – Politically Retarded. Without his daddy’s puppet-masters Cheney and Rummy and Rove hanging around to point him in whatever direction they mistakenly believe to be correct, he would probably wander around the Oval Office bumping into the furniture.

That, as I stated, is an opinion. It is Protected Speech, under the First Amendment to the United Stated Constitution, and therefore should not be quashed or punished. Likewise, my beautiful child stated an opinion. More correctly, she said that she had “suspicions”. She didn’t say outright that Bush is retarded. She said – paraphrasing here – that she was very concerned that, based on her observations, Bush might not be actually qualified by testing to fall in the Mentally Deficient Range of intelligence, but that he does appear to technically meet some of the criteria for retardation.

I have a question. If I decide to hang out in Teen Chat Room or – as is more likely – sit and look over my daughter’s shoulder as she does so, can I file complaints with the Chat KGB when some right-wing sixteen-year-old dunderhead opines that Hillary Clinton is a closet lesbian? In that case, will that kid’s father be subjected to temporary banishment from AOL, and forced to change HIS passwords?

Taking this one step farther: if I am looking over my daughter’s shoulder, and some kid defends Bush’s tragic and obscene incursion into Iraq, which I oppose on just about every principle that exists, am I within my bounds to turn that kid in to the Authorities because he offended my delicate sensibilities? And, in that case, since the kid in question defended what I believe to be an obscenity (even though, in reality, he was only stating an opinion) isn’t he even more culpable than my daughter was when she questioned the president’s intelligence?

The whole slippery-slope nature of this discussion boggles the mind. More importantly, though, I was deprived of access to my AOL account, which I pay for without fail every month, because of Constitutionally-protected speech! What’s next? Will I find my phones tapped and my every email dissected by the NSA because I don’t agree with the current administration? Is it now a crime to challenge the government – and its Supreme Commander – when it does something incredibly cretinous?

These are dangerous and frightening times, Mr. Parsons. With the Patriot Act awaiting reenactment (with, I might mention, some very interesting additions involving domestic surveillance), Bush’s vendetta in Iraq stretching off potentially into the next decade, and religious wackos pressing their agendas on every corner, free speech appears to be first in line to go up against the wall. We should all be concerned about this, whether the president is a dunce or not. At the very least, I would expect that you – as the director of one of the largest online companies in the world, would implement better controls over your arbiters in the chat rooms, and assure that there are clearly-set standards for conduct that don’t trample all over visitors’ rights. Free speech is one of our most cherished values, and I am appalled that your organization would even consider punishing someone for stating a political opinion.

For shame, Mr. Parsons. For shame…