Life is a living hell for me. I guess because I feel like I'll never really belong around anyone, I'm never going to fit in, or be normal around other people. Most would be happy about this, but I'm not; I just want to think and feel like normal people. I want to be able to go to sleep knowing that I have people that care about me, or even care if I was alive or dead (melodramatic moment). I guess I have come to accept the fact that I'm a train wreck that just keeps repeating the incident over and over again; I know that I'm about to hit that (car, kid, whatever, insert here) and yet I still feel like I have to go for it. I feel like a picasso painting that was never fully finished, I know that I'm distorted, but I can't find the unfinished mark because of all of the chaotic patterns that make up who I am. So where do I go from here, I recognize that something isn't right, but I don't know how to fix whats wrong. You know, the weird thing is, is that I feel like all the characters in my story are static, I'm the only evolved person, (egocentric as it may seem). Though I try to prounounce myself, no one really seems to have the angles of personality that I have. Its like a neverending whirl pool, I realize that I'm a self absorbed, anti-social, impulsive, manipulative, addicted, liar; and yet when the moment of decision draws near I still make that fatal move and in a way I have come to like that moment of impact, for that one second I'm content because I know I'm destroying myself, I am bent on total self destruction and I love it. And then another moment I find myself praying to a lord that I don't believe in, crying myself to sleep and promising to change my ways (of which I never do). The next day I go exactly back to what I used to be. No wonder I can't hold a STABLE relationship to save my soul. Supreme Force whatever that may be (god, allah, ghandi, pineapple in the sky, dali), no wonder people end up hating me. I usually end up attaching myself to these people that have so many emotional and psychological issues, in order to further manipulate and mold them so they worship the ground I walk on: when they finally have had enough of me they hate my guts and I end up hurt, I mean I have done absolutely awful things to these people and I never forget one of them, they are in my mind day after day, and they never leave, I think about them all the time. And in a sick way that I'll never fully be able to understand I would give anything to have that control back, to have them under my finger again. I hate it! Why do I do this? I seem so self absorbed, but I hate myself, I loathe the very ground I walk on. I often wonder how long it will take for me to have enough of myself and just finally end it, end it all. Though I want to run away from the lies I've told, I keep telling them all of the time (same lies, different faces) and I know that these lies are going to swell up inside of me forever if I let it, and yet I wont even speak the truth out loud. I think I have told these lies so many times that I have really started to believe them. I have run away everyone friends, family, potential relationships, because of this, and though I hate it because I don't have these people in my life anymore; I hate it more because I feel like I've lost part of myself with these people, I have lost some little bit of my personality. I always felt like I was the puppet master, but the only strings that were getting pulled are the ones that belonged to my heart. I always believed that when you get to a certain stage in your life, you wouldn't feel like no one understood you anymore, you would just suddenly conform to soceity's (ies) standards, and everything would just fall into place; but it's not like that, you realize that no one will ever be able to see through your eyes, and instead of communicating the problems that are bottled up, you decide to hold it in even longer. Eventually it consumes your life, and though on the surface you feel like your fine, all these voices in the back of your mind remind you of all of those bottled up voices and dreams, and wishes. And even worse, they remind you of all the people that can be happy, feel happiness, are genuinely content with their position in life. It sucks because you know that you'll never be in their position, no matter how good you have it, you cant feel happiness; no, its not depression but its a state so beyond defeat that you no longer can remember what it felt like to not feel like you are constantly failing, that you are never going to be able to live up to your own expectations, how do you live with this feeling. I know that I have potential, but even the things that I was at one time confident in have faded. I can't think clearly anymore, I feel like I have completely worn out my thought process, I can no longer remember simple things that I had once studied, I no longer feel like I can hold an adequate conversation with a person, I feel like no matter what I do, no one will ever want to become a companion of mine. And then there is this layer of personality that completely contradicts how I feel, it sometimes even feels like I'm a completely different human being, Like I can accomplish anything that I set my mind to (no matter how insane it is), I don't get it, I don't know how to handle this anymore. I can't deal with my impulses anymore, I will lose any sense of sanity if I have to live through this much longer, I would rather feel true genuinely earned pain then deal with this self-inflicted shit anymore. How can I find my identity, when I feel like there are so many identities hidden inside of me, I don't know what I am, I don't know who I am.. and though I know that we never really find out who we are, these swings back and forth are enough to make me just want to jump off the ledge of a huge building. Even writing this I feel so selfish for feeling this way, I feel like maybe if I didn't care (or did care) so much about myself and thought more (less) about others then maybe I could find some way to feel happy, how can I face the truth of who I am, when I have no idea what the truth of the matter really is. I feel like an immature child, because I know that I'm whining about being just like everyone else, but I sincerely hope that there are no other people that feel like this. I HURT people, I BREAK people down, and I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to suck people into my half- baked mind games anymore. But I don't know how to stop it.. so I guess until that moment of self realization comes I will continue to be the conductor of a crashing train, and only my atheistic, christian, agnostic, spiritual, satanic faith can helf me through.