It was Saturday night at approximately 9:45. I was in for the night, thanks to a very toxic 30th birthday on Friday night for my friend Beth. With a stomach sour from alcohol-soaked fruit and Chilean thousand layer cake, I headed out with the pups for their final walk of night, hoping I’d timed it well in order to avoid the drunken eejits sure to start trickling out of Browns Stadium after the first pre-season game.

My timing could use some work.

I walked down Lakeside to avoid the drunks on St. Clair and West 6th, only to encounter the drunks decked in orange and brown that had given up on the Browns (they probably should have learned by now, eh?). By the time I made it to 6th, a half a dozen football fans had lunged at the dogs in an attempt pet them (most lunges were accompanied by a garbled squeal of some sort). My dogs, dodging like pros, managed to avoid most of them. That is, until 6th.

When we reached 6th, one jack-ass in a Strokes t-shirt decided to lunge in Zeus’ face with a pointed finger and scream as loudly as possible at my dog, scaring him half to death. I lost my shit and told Strokeshirt to stop being a fucking idiot, and I feared for a moment that I would have to do something with the bag of dog poo in my right hand other than throw it in the garbage.

Living downtown has, as my mother would say, caused me to lose my ‘sweet and pretty ways.’ That’s fine, I wasn’t using them anyway.

My dogs, however, are another story. Zeus has been remarkably skittish of late. He’s fearful and growley, and I’m worried about him. Reme is a bit tougher. I’m thinking of putting signs around their necks or something, warning people away. I fear that Zeus may bite someone someday and, while the bitten person may have had it coming, I don’t want my dog taken away from me and destroyed. I’ll first try Aud’s method of keeping people away. He chooses to wear his angriest Aud-monster face to discourage potential petters from approaching. He swears by it.

It is sad that, if I were able to make a movie with Quentin Tarantino, there would be lots of shooting people in the face for screaming any of the following: “BEAGLES!” “PUPPIES!” “TWINS!” “There ain’t no rabbits downtown. Har har har!” “WOO HOO! Way to pee on the tree!” Downtown Cleveland would be absolutely littered with bodies.

I suppose my movie will be better than Aud’s. His will feature a mass shooting of Alltel employees followed by a massive explosion at Alltel headquarters. No imagination.

Tonight we're going out on the boat to watch the perseid meteor showers. I imagine I could use the time to relax.