I don't smoke. I rarely drink. No drugs. No pills. I don't remember the last time I took an aspirin, not even after my epic 32-mile run through the desert. But, oh, how I am beholden to the caffeine mistress. Ten years we have danced this high-octane, tweaky-nerve tango, caffeine and I. And like all addicts, the dosage creeps up. We are now at a case of diet soda a week, at least. That doesn't include the coffee, the tea, the restaurant cokes, the chocolate. Oh, the chocolate.

I have known for sometime that this could not go on. Like all tumultuous relationships, this one had to end. But Lord, I didn't want it to. I loved it. I needed it. And then there were those times where unforeseen circumstances would separate us. Headaches. A general uneasiness. Symptoms only cured by returning to the sweet embrace, the caffeinated teat of the diet soda bottle.

It was the first thing I did in the morning. The last thing I did at night. I sucked it down while I wrote, after I worked out, while driving in my car. There was never a moment from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed when there wasn't an open can of soda, a cup of coffee, a glass of tea at my elbow.

I was, if nothing else, very well hydrated. And my nervous system is shot.

So here we go. Detox.

I don't intend to go cold turkey. And while we can no longer be lovers, caffeine and I, I hope we can still be friends. A restaurant soda now and again, perhaps. A cup of coffee over brunch with friends on occasion. But this case after case of soda must stop. It must stop today.

I am one hour past my last can and, oddly, experiencing all the same symptoms non-caffeine drinkers claim after a double espresso. I am nervous and shaky and absolutely, completely wired. And since I haven't gotten a buzz off a Starbucks in a decade - another addiction symptom - I'm taking full advantage. I plan to clean my entire house from top to bottom...or at least until the inevitable crash.

Hilarious details of my rehab are sure to follow.

(Okay, I just typed that sentence about crashing ten seconds ago. Is it possible I crashed in ten seconds? I feel crashy. This could be a crash. Oh hell...)