Last night's much-needed, group viewing of Metallica's Cliff 'em All only further confirms my theory that James and Lars did, in fact, kill Cliff Burton. I know it is a heavy charge and, to the average Metallica fan, might seem quite extreme; but I've been formulating this idea for some time and am pretty sure I'm ready to make the accusation.

Where was the rest of the band while Cliff was getting high?

Would Cliff have spent over a year in the studio, only to spit out the mediocre "Metallica?" "Load?" "Re-Load?!?" (I can't even type that without laughing)

Would Cliff have waged war against his own fans in an attempt to continually pad a multi-million dollar musical empire built on the aforementioned "loads" of crap?

Would Cliff had cut his hair and donned heavy make-up, much like the hair-bands Metallica so venomously despised early on?

Why is Lars such a tool?

Why does James sing like that now?

(You might notice that I haven't implicated Kirk Hammett in any way. Despite his presence throughout the entire affair, I'm certain Kirk was simply an unknowing pawn in the plan. He's far too, um... harmless to conspire to murder anyone.)

Having said all this, I don't honestly believe James and Lars killed anyone (sorry to disappoint the conspiracy theorists out there). It's just funny (and a guess a bit slanderous... oops) to imagine.

To me, Cliff's death represents an inevitable shift in both Metallica's career, and in music overall. For better or for worse, the era of the up-from nothing to mega-famous band is over. Small, creative bands will stay small, and HUGE, multi-platinum stars will be formulated and developed in record-company boardrooms. There is simply no way around it.

The good thing is, with the internet, creativity will find an outlet, and the file-sharing that Metallica so ignorantly battled a few years back will keep good music in the hands of discriminating listeners. Those small bands will stay small; but while before, where their chances of connecting with even a few people without label-representation were non-existent; today, everyone is guaranteed at least some type of audience. All you have to do is create, put your noise online, and someone will follow.

The bad thing is, artificial music will continue to become more and more artificial. "Artists" like Hannah Montana and Brooke Hogan will continue to develop empires based on half-naked, prepubescent imagery, mind-numbing television shows, and formulaic bubble-gum garbage. The visibility that benefits the starving artist also benefits the mega-star. Frankly, I'm tired of looking at it.

So, what has Cliff taught me?

Maybe good music does stand a chance in the 21st century. Maybe Metallica were just the ginnie pigs in a digital music revolution that was destined to occur. And in this sense, maybe their ignorance is understandable. Maybe Cliff died because it was just his time, and maybe Metallica's next album will be totally amazing. Maybe James and Lars will kill Hannah Montana.

I wouldn't count on it.