Tue Feb 6: Joys of Sleep Deprivation - Ah, there's a fine line between "I'm not as young as I used to be" and needing less sleep the older we get. Isn't it funny? But plain ol' sleep deprivation is still tough, and ah well.

Baronial Council was shorter than usual, and not bad. I had hoped to see a friend who wanted blank promissory scrolls to paint, but I still managed to give out a few to others at the meeting. It'll be an effort to make certain I "always have some on me" since it's a fairly good sized box, but it's something I'm committed to for the next several months. It gets the ball rolling with people.

We used to always go out to a local Carl's Jr. after the meeting for food, coffee, socializing, whatever. Finally someone spoke up this week and suggested a different location, so we went to the IHOP two doors down. I had a lovely time chatting with Christina and Amya, and then after they closed the store, Lot and Meala and I went to the 24-hour IHOP about a mile down the road to keep chatting. Lot works a graveyard shift and had just less than three hours to kill before heading to work, so we hung out and continued our discussions. Then once he left for work, Meala and I *continued* talking for almost another two hours. The good news is that we sorted through so many things in life. The bad news was that both of us got very little sleep.

Serious Introspection - On a completely different topic, life has presented several ponderables for me over the past 1-2 years. I've noticed on dozens of occasions that I can often be described as "middle of the spectrum" in many ways. This usually shows up when you see the different kinds of extremes of friends that I gather in my life. I'm always a little torn when I'm "in the middle" between factions who don't like one another, but that doesn't happen too often so it's mostly manageable.

But the pattern remains. I'll back myself into a corner and find I'm torn between two extremes, and it is difficult to pick one over another. I'd rather have a centrist option in front of me, but that doesn't always happen.

The weirdest thing, though, is just not finding other centrist middle-of-the-spectrum people. I just don't understand how I can be here, in this place, in this opinion, in this place of trust, in this bridge-building or gap-spanning kind of location, and find I'm the only one here. And I don't mean just having friends who understand where I'm coming from, or friends who are supportive of me. It's fairly obvious even when I'm sleep-deprived, that I'm overwhelmingly surrounded by the most amazing friends and am excessively blessed with supportive people in my life.

But it does come back down to the observation that being single sucks, and there aren't any ponds to "go fishing in" to remedy the issue.

The thoughts I come back to are simple: "Face it. You'll always be single and on your own. Buck up and deal with it. You're too bizarrely unique for one person to keep up. That's why you need hordes of different friends who can all spend just a little bit of energy enjoying your friendship, and then they go home to their spouses and significant others, who are less demanding than you. If you really are going to embrace having this much energy, just face that it's too much to partner with any one person and just be thankful for the 99 blessings and stop whining about the 1 'missing' blessing. It's not missing. It's just not coming. You are who you are, deal with it, embrace it, celebrate it, make it wonderful."

Surprisingly, some of my favorite songs from childhood come back to haunt me -- both supporting this idea and refuting it all at the same time. "Corner of the Sky" from Pippin was always my favorite when I was younger. Now the "Finale" has taken hold of my brain. Funny, the first song is a more youthful Pippin, and the Finale is when he has matured and learned many of the lessons of life.

Corner of the Sky (from Pippin)

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don't you see I want my life to be
Something more than long

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

Now, imagine that's been my theme for so long. Consider the changes in life that now I'm much more like this song. The Player is tempting me with fiery brilliance, and I'm finally realizing that looking for all the magic shows and miracles isn't enough if I have no one to share it with.

Finale (from Pippin)

[PLAYER]
Think about the sun, Pippin
Think about her golden glance
How she lights the world up
Well, now it's your chance
With the guardian of splendor
Inviting you to dance
Pippin, Think about the sun

Think about your life, Pippin
Days are tame and nights the same
Now think about the beauty
In one perfect flame
And the angels of the morning
Are calling out your name
Pippin, Think about the Sun

Think about your life, Pippin
Think about the dreams you planned
Think about the moment
That's so close at hand
When the power and the glory
Are there at your command
Pippin, Think about your life

Think about the sun, Pippin
Think about her golden glance
How she lights the world up
Well, now it's your chance
With the guardian of splendor
Inviting you to dance
Pippin, Think about the sun

Think about your life, Pippin
Think about the dreams you planned
Think about the moment
That's so close at hand
When the power and the glory
Are there at your command
Pippin, think about your life

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly

[PIPPIN]
I'm not a river or a giant bird
That soars to the sea
And if I'm never tied to anything
I'll never be free

I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
I never came close, my love
We never came near
It never was there
I think it was here

They showed me crimson, gold and lavender
A shining parade
But there's no color I can have on earth
That won't finally fade
When I wanted worlds to paint
And costumes to wear
I think it was here
'Cause it never was there

I wanted magic shows and miracles
Mirages to touch
I wanted such a little thing from life
I wanted so much
We never came close, my love
We merely came near
It never was there
I think it was here