A "G-Rated Journal" That Even My Mother Can Read (because she does!)
Effervescence is a state of mind. It's about choosing to bring sunshine to the day.
Every person I meet matters.
If it's written down, I know it (If it's not written down, I don't know it)
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Daddy-do and me, 2010
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2009-04-05 2:08 AM
Saturday Stuff - I was supposed to get up early to go to a day event with Cassandra, but I overslept my radio playing in my ear for 90 minutes, then took a shower, sat down to get my bearings for just one minute and fell asleep for ten minutes. Tried to get up anyways, and was dizzy with my hands shaking. I climbed right back into bed, and changed my plans entirely. So she went to the event without me, I slept for another two hours, tried to wake up, slept for a second two hours, then had to take a second shower just to fix my wonky hair that dried all directions. By noon I was feeling almost normal, and by one I was able to get in the car and drive.
Well, I say "get in the car" but I got distracted by some gorgeous flowers outside my apartment first. I finished taking a dozen photos, and then drove the 90 minutes north and east, part way up the pass that people take from LA to Vegas. Arrived on site, packed my car with all the Coffee Bar boxes and supplies that had been on the truck to and from Mississippi, then just walked around saying hi to a few folks. Got back in the car, stopped for dinner, and drove back down the mountain.
With just three weeks left until Pentathlon, we're making a huge push to finish our projects and our research papers. I had brought my computer along with me, and went straight to Rae and Renata's house, to work on my research paper on spinning linen. In all my years of spinning, I've really only worked with the animal or protein fibers. So to push my skills further, I'm working on spinning flax into linen, and the research that goes along with what's so different about linen, and the proper way to spin it. I even finished some illustrations, sketching them, taking photos, then converting the photo of my sketch into an electronic drawing which I could then clean up on the computer and import into my research paper, or documentation. I'm pleased with the work I completed today on the paper.
Website Snafu Updates - This morning I got a "please update the site with XYZ" from someone completely out of the loop that things were wonky. So I decided I needed to just smooth things out, complete the updates, and then let the grand staff know that I'll be a nice and easy "everything's fine" transition custodian, while they work out their concerns about the redesign, the other company, and their communication skills. The apologies have started pouring in. That felt really nice. It wasn't even about apologies in the first place. I just needed to stand up for myself, steel my spine, and be tough when I was being walked on. Yes, I possibly over-reacted in one of my longest, detailed letters, and one of the nice people made some very good points about keeping communication open. He was right, and I agreed, and so I'm keeping myself open to this situation being repaired. I hope that my foot-stomping will have a *good* effect on the entire situation, and that it was the kind of thing that earns respect, not some temper-tantrum routine. I have to admit, it felt nice to get three apologies this morning, and several thank you's that I offered to stay on board, smooth out this poorly (not) planned transition, and back down from my initial frustration. So, that's probably an improvement.
Some Not So Fun - Some people may think it's lovely that I easily like people. And I really mean *like* people. I like people that I meet casually. I enjoy people's company. I'm an extrovert, and I have hundreds of friends and acquaintances. I *look* for ways to meet more people, everywhere I go. However, I also easily *like* people, and that means I'm constantly running into either (a) someone who doesn't like me back "in that way" or (b) someone who's already in a relationship. So, recently I got to know someone I thought was a cute guy, totally fun, who's company I enjoyed. I hardly know that much about him, and we were chatting casually on email (like I do). Early in the day, I finally admitted to him that I really just wanted to ask if he was single, and if he was flirting with me... and by the late afternoon, I got the email replay that he was flattered, but had a long-term girlfriend.
It's so frakkin' annoying. I'm happy for him, he's in a great relationship. I'm happy he thought it was cute that I thought he was cute. Bless him for being light-hearted and silly, and not being offended that I asked directly, just to make sure there was no misunderstanding. There's silly flirting that means nothing, and heck, I can be like that with almost all my friends. I don't push past the line of what's inappropriate. But then there's flirting with intent, hoping to go on a date, hoping someone likes you back. And the disadvantage of liking everyone I meet, is that my record of rejection is sky-high.
It did make me think about the only choices I have, in response to this. I could (a) be jealous of all my friends' good fortune, to be in loving relationships. Or (b) constantly walk around, broken-hearted and crushed with despair. Or I can just believe that it's worth bouncing back, and that maybe even (c) someone out there does like me, they just haven't gotten around to telling me.
And although it's sometimes exhausting to be a little bit Pollyanna about having constant hope that someone will want to fall in love with me, there's really no point in choosing jealousy or depression. Both of those are really unattractive colors on me, so back to "bounce back, be happy, keep hoping" for me. Just don't mind me, when I sigh heavily occasionally, and shed a couple of tears when I'm alone in my car. I'll get over it, and keep being my sunny self by choice.
You didn't think my sunny disposition comes effortlessly? Nope, it's hard work. I just hope it's worth it. If it isn't solving my lack of love life, at least I hope I'm bringing sunshine to the friends I meet and love around me... even if I'm not in a position to "love" love them, just love them all as my dearest friends and family.
* * * * *
Today's Blessing That I'm Thankful For: The newest member of my "alumni club" -- those beautiful people I've had crushes on and really liked, but who don't like me back in that way, so I have to be just friends. So the club is bigger by one member, ah well. I'll live.
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