My soulmate and partner was diagnosed January 8, 2007 with Stage IV Breast Cancer with Mets. to liver and bones. Felt like a ton of brick fell on me, HIT BY A TRAIN more like it!!! Numb....scared.....ears ringing, lump in throat size of a football...you two should make final arrangements, make sure affairs are in order, and if there is any trips you have ever wanted to make, make them ASAP!..please let this be a terrible dream and I will wake up and it will NOT be true!!!! I must be hearing this all wrong, leans over, shakes head, pats on ears to get them unstopped ...no, this is NOT happening to US!!!
Days were long, grueling, "hurry up and wait" on test after test results....days are a blur....consult with a surgeon, scans, MRI's, bloodwork, see an Oncologist again for a treatment plan....those long days were a blessing, actually, as it gave me something else to focus on...not the fact my beloved was going to die....schedules, deadlines, appointments here, there, and everywhere...
Radiation...now that is a whole new experience....she went thru 40 (FORTY) of those buggers.....10 each to hip, shoulder, low back, and in one of the pilot scans, she was found to have cancer in the cervical vertebrae...so another 10 to that area....loss of salivary glands, taste buds got zapped, and numerous other little things we take for granted...the nausea follwing radiation treatments is quite taxing, to say the least...thank God for #1 INSURANCE, #2 Zofran.
After 40 radiation treatments, began a two pronged approach to cancer with Taxotere every 3 weeks for 6 treatments over 18 weeks and Herceptin every week for rest of life (as long as it works and no new cancer cells show up). Get bone/body scans every 3 months or so....unless symptomatic, then more often.....hair loss....has a perfectly round head...looks so cute, and like a child...her cherubic smile and dancing blue eyes.....I am at EVERY test, every procedure, and every appointment with her....wouldn't have it any other way.....she says its okay if I "move on" that I didn't "bargain for this" or "buy into this"..yada...yada...yada....I am in this for the long haul...I wouldn't dream of leaving her for any reason except my own death...would be akin to cutting out my heart....my soul...we are one..."we's a team", as she often says....and we are!!!!
The weeks flew by, and months flew...pretty soon, she began to return to her old self...that smile...that POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!! She has had that from the get go, never once complaining about any of the side effects, or her dilemma...just accepting it as this is God's plan for me, and it is for a reason....initially we told everyone we wanted ONLY positive folks, thoughts, energy around us, we did NOT want to hear one negative thing regarding our doctor, the treatment team, HER decisions for her care. We did NOT want anyone sending us any emails or links to ANY site AT ALL that we would follow what the doctor chose for her, and we didn't want any diet or herbal info.....and least of all did we want to hear about Cousin Joe's or Aunt Emma's cancers, their treatments, outcomes, etc...as this was Cathy's cancer, specific to her, and her alone....and folks have done as we asked. The other thing we told folks is we want anyone who is sick, was exposed to anyone sick, or think they MAY be sick, to stay away at least 2 weeks....and we keep Purell hand sanitizer on hand. Luckily she hasn't been neutropenic at all, so we have been fortunate on that account. I will protect her at all costs!!!! The doctor gave us literature to read, but we chose NOT to as it basically is only generic, with percentages of who MAY get what, etc...and we chose to just take a "wait and see" approach to her "may have" or "lack of" proposed symptoms!!! Each person is an individual with their own unique genetic makeup, and each person reacts differently to a medicine regimen, treatment protocol, and news of this nature (a cancer diagnosis). Never once has she been negative, asked "why me" or questioned this diagnosis....she is simply amazing.
Thru this all, she has rounded the corner, and a year to the date of her diagnosis, she is "stable" and able to enjoy life as much as she can....her dilemma is in sitting/standing/walking a lot....she knows her bounds, and she does as she can tolerate. Her weight is stable, she dropped 100 lbs. (her saying is this...."it was good to be fat to begin with as I don't look so cachetic"....anyway, her color returned, her hair went from being straight, dishwater blonde to now curly (many little spikes all over her head) and a dark brunette color....its about 2 inches long now.....SHE IS BEAUTIFUL and always will be....
Today (January 11,2008) we went to the doctor's office for results of her scans yesterday, as her alk. phos.( a liver enzyme) had risen gradually over last 6 to 8 weeks.
He came into room.....not smiling...just a bewildered look on his face, basically saying...there is no easy way to say
this, I am not a Bearer of Good News..."you have several new lesions in the liver, so the Herceptin is NOT doing its job, we will stop that" and I can buy you 1 or maybe 2 more years"...
I am suffocating, every breath is hard to come by.....stop....help.....A Train has come onto my tracks again....this has GOT to be a train again.....I MUST get off THAT track...
So, my usually positive, sweet natured angel holds my hand, smiles at me, and says...'this is just a bump in the road" and we will climb the hill again....I am just numb...I ache for her, I ache because she has just gotten back to herself, we now have a whole new battle to fight, and we have a brand new drug just made to fight breast cancer that has mets'ed to the liver with..if this don't work,we have another regimen, and so on..its not a "go make your burial plans" kind of set back....BUT wait, I HURT!! I am scared crapless...I am just struck down....so we leave his office, and I take her to lunch..we sit quietly, looking at one another, she smiles, my heart crumbles inside my chest...so brave, so strong, so positive, and such a joy to be around. She will beat this terrible disease....she is a perfect candidate for it.....
I go away on errands alone...I park, and I cry and I ask God to please let this woman make it, to leave here here on earth..she has much more in life to do....besides, she has stinky feet sometimes, and He wouldn't want an angel with smelly feet!!! I just know it....I am blessed to have her in my life....I just found her 9 years ago...
More later...I have to go for awhile....I am still digesting, still sorting things out....and thanks for being here with me (to those of you who will join me here in the future)..."chatter"