And the news that Mom is back in the hospital with pneumonia comes again tonight. It's starting to feel cyclical - it's been two months since the last bout - but maybe that's just her body's way of wearing down, wearing out. It's hard to get too emotional about someone who's quality of life seems so low for so long.

I say "seems" because we can never know another person's quality of life. That inner spark is not something we can know, put a finger on, or make a pie chart out of. An individual's quality of life, in the end, can be known only by that individual. My judgement may be completely off as I am in a cynical state about her quality of life - so I say "seems", not wanting to be harsh, but feeling distant, cold, even a little cruel.

My mother's quality of life is an added layer to my already crowded brain and tired body.

I'm over this job of mine. The housekeeping is constant, the joy receding with heightened responsibility, and the appreciation seems lacking, somehow. Not to mention it sucks my personal life right up and what's left of my day is spent in sleep or intelligence-numbing TV.

Writing time is rare, another death-dagger in the heart of this job, another reason to find something a bit more life-friendly. (Why do you think journal entries have become non-existent?) And while I'd love the perfect job to drop in my lap RIGHT NOW, my stupid sense of responsibility will most likely keep me where I am until after the holidays. One year at this place has shown me that I can make a bloody good go at anything I choose to, and rise quickly to the top.

I know I am still raw, still searching for the elements to make me what I know I can become. I know my flaws are numerous, but so are my joys. I know I am lucky in my friends and blessed in my family.

But the search turns elusive and the soul grows impatient and looks for short cuts, a sure recipe for disaster. Perhaps that's why I haven't finished a book this year. I'm so busy looking for the "formula" that I'm not having any fun.

And that, more than anything else that I've come to know as truth this year, just totally sucks.