I have said that I still 'love' B. Well, no, I don't. I care about him. After all, knowing him for 33 years has had some effect. I have tried to tell him how I have been feeling. To. no. affect. He doesn't get it. His response is "you have done the homework." Ugh! Anyway, we had agreed to leave off the discussion until MC. Last night he asked me if he was going to get any 'surprises' at MC. WTH? I tell him I don't know, cause I can't tell if he is going to be surprised. I have told him how I am feeling, that there is nothing left of me and it is not growing. Hey folks, I have been trying for over 6 weeks-if there was something left, it should be showing its head by now, ya think? The homework the MC gave should've awakened it a little more, but all it did for me was give me the realization that I don't have it in me. And I told B that the other night. All I got was hysterics of "But why? I've been trying! I've improved!" Yeah, but too much water has gone by and heart is dead. And being told how he views new information from me as me 'hiding' things from him(even though he changed the story) didn't help.

I was trying to post this last night, but my phone internet connection was acting up. We had said goodnight, I was sitting on my bed, and didn't hear him say goodnight again when he left the bathroom. He thought I was mad at him, so he stood outside the bedroom and said it again. I told him, Goodnight! And he said,"I thought you were mad at me cause you didn't answer me when I said goodnight again." I answered, "We had already said goodnight." and left it at that. I am pulling back. I have to.

TT mentioned my books and figurines left in the Illinois house. She's right. Although they are not things that I can replace, I have done without them for 5 years. The books are the collection of a favorite author-but you know what, I don't even read her that much anymore because life isn't happy ever after. I collected her because I wanted romances that didn't have sex in them to be available for my DGD to read if she wanted to. So they really weren't for me. Goodby books.

The figurines are by a sculpture that captured Native American everyday life. I bought the last one for my father at a flea market we almost didn't go to. Those I really want for me. We talked about the collection and he really wanted me to have those. Even though he didn't want me to have anything else 'in case it would be pawned like that ring". It was a ring B bought me for our 1'st anniversary. (I really didn't like it and we needed food). Now that I look back, I don't think that my folks were afraid of ME pawning/selling things, they were afraid of my husband doing it! OMG!!!! Why didn't I ever see that before!!! B went back to the pawnshop a day late, even though he could've been there on time-he had to get something to eat and was late! Oh, well, anger at parents gone. They did see something I didn't. Sorry my kids missed out though. Nothing was set aside for them, not even in trust to be handled by my sister. Something could have been done!!!

Well, enough bellyaching for one day.

Last night before I went to sleep, I envisioned what my retirement from my job would look like without B. This is a first for me. I only have 5 years left.

First I would have to increase my deposits into the savings big time. Second I would have to start saving extra on the side to live on while retirement kicks in.

But what would I like to do:

1 have car to travel the states and Canada. Visit TT, sister and family. visit states I have never been in. Places I have always wanted to see for extended time.. remote places. I don't know where I want to settle down. Not DC. Probably not IL..someplace with mountains and space around me. Someplace with air, someplace relatively cheap. 1 acre, cabin, fresh air, friendly people. Cat and dog allowed.