Two stories are all I have the energy to do today. Reading them gave me a headache.




The Ferryman's Wheelchair
By Nickolaus A. Pacione
www.fictionpress.com/read...id=1690319

Woman is in an accident and is haunted by Charon. The story never explains why she calls him The Ferryman. There’s no ferry in sight, ever. Charon is pushing a wheelchair. Doesn’t call him Charon either. But it’s clear that is Nicky’s intentions here—amazing he’s clear about something.

Let’s start with the general things and then go to some quotes. Tense shifts, poor word usage, verbose, massive grammatical errors, wooden characterization.

“She could not describe all that was there of her mind and the premonitions living within them.”

“Ms. Ott, I’m afraid I have some horrid news to share with you about the results of your diagnosis,” Dr. Ronald Lawrence responded. He had a stern look to his face.
“What is the diagnosis?” She asked with a terrified look on her face.
“I don’t know if I can tell you point blank,” the doctor said to her, “you will never be able to walk again.”

Lousey dialog. Clumsey at best. Real people don’t talk that way, especially doctors.
Another example of lousey dialog:

The nurse stepped back a few feet, a bit alarmed, “Don’t spin your head around at me. You almost sound possessed when you bit my head off. I don’t even know what it is like losing my ability to walk or begin to imagine what it is like – especially with the loss of your brother’s girlfriend.”

“Back in her bed, she was awake. The nurse shook Hellen lightly because she wanted to have her take her prescription given.” Bad English! Bad, Bad, Bad English!

“She didn’t want to sleep even if the meds were forcing her to sleep.” Cardinal rule. Don’t use the same word twice in a sentence. Lazy Writer!

The conclusion was stupid.

“But the dream about the wheelchair became the horror of reality, that reality that haunts Hellen Christine Ott for the rest of her life – her brother was a beheaded vegetable who might never be able to speak again or walk. For that he was alive, though might as well be deceased. Her legs were dead.”


Madame Guillotine
By Shaun Wintrow
www.fictionpress.com/read...id=1565538

A period piece in which lots of people lose their heads: literally.

“And bold May was taken to that which was the guillotine, and the yells they did rise.”
ACK! Poor understanding of period writing and poor sentence structure. Poor dialog. Poor knowledge of how they spoke, use of ‘thy’ and ‘thine’. Where are the ‘thous’ and the ‘thees’? This writer should, at the very least, read Dicken’s “A Tale of Two Cities” or the Scarlet Pimpernel novels, or even the Pre-Raphaelites if he wishes to cover this period.

People were not casually beheaded for stealing. They were sentenced to serve on the French ships, convict labor. The first time a person was caught stealing, they were whipped and then branded with a fleur de lis.



Some brief creds, a partial list

articles published in:
Movieline
Cinefantastique
Washington Post Book World
Los Angeles Times
Los Angeles Drive Guide
Black Belt
Martial Arts Weapons
Monsterland
Thrust: Science Fiction in Review
Science Fiction Review

Former MPAA Accredited Journalist.
Currently Active member, SFWA, HWA