Nicholas Mounts:

If you want the blow by blow version, let me know if you can handle msword.


This story plays with some interesting ideas -- the different meanings of perfection, and the invisible yet ubiquitous bugs. Unfortunately, in switching between John's point of view (POV) and that of the narrator, the story loses its ability to draw the reader into John's skewed view of the world. At any given point, it is difficult to be sure of whose POV we're in and therefore impossible to know if we're hearing about 'objective' reality or John's 'reality'. The story wavers between the two. This is probably the source of the confusion over whether the house is a mess or perfect in the opening sequence: to John it's a mess; to the objective outsider, it's perfect. Yet it's so jumbled that the reader has to work hard to get this meaning.

The bugs are introduced very late in this piece, and the story therefore feels as if it's in two halves. The first half, which has no bugs, and the second half, which is crawling with them. This lack of continuity makes for a disjointed piece, in which the second half does not seem to follow from the first. What have the bugs to do with Vietnam and John's OCD? Nothing, anything? Given how crucial they are to the story's denouement, they needed to be introduced much earlier -- preferably at the start.

This story would work better if its most important aspects -- John's OCD, his obsessiveness and his bug problem were shown rather than told to the reader. There are lots of ways in which every scene in the story could reinforce his characterization. Don't tell us he's insane and compulsive: show us. Have the bugs crawling over him right from the start.

The best sequence here is undoubtedly after John leaves the school and is pursued by the bugs. At this point, the story becomes more readable (especially if you ignore the comma splices) and moves along at a good pace. Overall, however, this piece is not of a very high standard. There is no evidence that it has been edited prior to publication, and it justifies every prejudice against self-publishing.




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articles published in:
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Former MPAA Accredited Journalist.
Currently Active member, SFWA, HWA