by irene bean

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A Solid Foundation



Not Trying to be Corny

This Little Light of Mine

We Were Once Young

Veni, Vedi, Vinca

U Tube Has a New Star

Packing a 3-Iron

Getting Personal

Welcome Again

Well... Come on in

Christmas Shopping

There's no Substitute

Dressed for Success

Cancun Can-Can

Holy Guacamole

Life can be Crazy

The New Dog

Hurricane Reenie

He Delivers

No Spilt Milk

Naked Fingers


Have Ya Heard the One About?

The Great Caper


Barney's P***S

My New Security System


Okay, all right, back off! I know I've been MIA. I've been busy, Okay? But makes me feel good I've been missed. I've missed yakking with you, too.

I live in a small town, and like most small towns we have a small town newspaper. Ya know, if I never wanted to write an original thought again, I could glide through life borrowing thoughts from AARP and the Fallbrook Village News. I swear to you.

Yesterday my eyes landed on the following letter to the editor of above mentioned newspaper. The letter is a bit lengthy, and I'll try to edit it, but good God, every word is hysterical. I guess because of its nature I should add a cautionary phrase: BEWARE, CONTAINS ADULT SUBJECT MATTER


"My 6-year-old was traumatized"

On Tuesday, August 8, I took my family out to Daniel's for groceries. I have a 6-year-old daughter who is learning to read from the "Barney's and Friends" book series. As she stepped out of the family van, she was very excited to see an advertisement on the grocery store's lit sign, for a Barney movie. She said, "Look Daddy, a Barney movie!" I couldn't see it, so she guided my eyes to the vulgar obscenity arranged on the sign. "Look! Up there! Barney's p***s! I was shocked when I saw the words arranged on the sign. I quickly averted my daughter's eyes and escorted her into the store.

Since then, my daughter has not stopped mentioning Barney's p***s. This has shaken the very bedrock of our family. I made an emergency call to our church's pastor about this bombshell in my daughter's life and he is unsure how it will affect her future.

This sort of sick joke is typical of unlawful teenagers across the country, but I just didn’t think the little town of Fallbrook was home to such hoodlums. I am frightened for my daughter's future; she won't stop bringing up this horrible movie title! I would like Daniel's Market to apologize for traumatizing my daughter, and I would like the pranksters to know just how vile their criminal act was.


Well, the first thing I did was to holler to my husband as I entered the living room, "Honey, how is 'penis' spelled?" He looked up and missed Tiger Woods sinking an impossibly long career putt, then put the TV on mute while he read the above letter to the editor. By golly, we know how to prioritize in this household.

Okay several things before I continue:

1. I do not have a pedophile's twisted mind, and do recognize the inappropriateness.

2. Yeah, it's unfortunate the little girl learned about penises on a grocery store billboard.

3. This little girl's discovery has obviously given her pleasure, and she is, indeed, too young to learn the pleasure a penis can give.

4. Quite frankly, the father is a dickless wonder. His inappropriate reaction has made the penis bigger than it should be - so like a man.

5. The father could have been more inventive - given a 101 lesson on the birds & the bees. It seems to me he's causing more trauma and damage with his overly dramatic reaction, and has heightened his daughter's interest in penises.

6. This man is such a wingnut, he has blabbed his daughter's discovery in the local newspaper for the whole town to read. Now THAT'S abusive and obscene.

7. And yeah, it sucks big time that children grow up too fast. I can't remember when my daughter said this to me (sometime prior to her wedding), but she said, "Thanks, Mom, for letting me be a little girl as long as I wanted to be." Wow! That was so powerful for me and often sustains me - that I did something right in life. :)

But back to the tragedy at hand. I would love to get feedback on this. Obviously the hoodlums (the little pricks) rearranged the letters to create a 'vulgar' word. (At least 'penis' is anatomically correct. The hoodlums could have used any of the following: pecker, trouser snake, shaft, stiffy, beef bayonet, woody, schong, tallywacker, baloney pony, Mr. Happy, tool - well, you get my drift.)

What do you suppose the original word was in the movie title? Barney's Spine? Barney's Snipe?

Well, enough. I'm gonna see what Brian's up to.

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