As usual, I have just read through my emails, read through the journals of my friends and family, and have been comforted by the messages within them. Noticing the positive effect these journals have had, I need to ask (albeit selfishly) why more of my friends and family don't keep a journal? Again, selfishly, I will list some people I would like to see start a journal:

Sharon (started but may have stopped, and she is a very good writer), my mother, my brother, my friends Kristine and Laurie, this is too hard, basically, if you are reading this, you should start a journal too (if you haven't already)... don't just sluff this off, go to the website and sign-up, it's free!

I feel as though a long and rambling entry might be coming, and I will try to curb that, but here goes...

I have spoken to my friends Sharon, Johnny and my mother in the US since the attacks, and each time I stated how helpless I feel being so far away in Japan. However, after having read everyone elses journals, I know that I am not alone. No one knows what to do because there is no presidence for reacting to random acts of mass murder... and really, for that I am thankful! As Americans, we have been shielded almost exclusively for so long with the belief that we were so powerful that no one would dare attempt such an attack. As I begin to look more closely at people reaction to this horrible event, it is obvious that no one knows what to do. Do I go to work tomorrow? Do I talk about it? Do I donate money? blood? to who??? Am I wrong to smile at something that reminds me how fortunate I am for all that I have? When can I laugh again? How can I show how deeply this has affected me?

I too am caught in this social and emotional trap. I spent the day after the attack in my apartment watching the news. I could not eat the entire day. I had a weird feeling of embarrassment even to step foot outside... I can only imagine that is has something to do with the Japanese belief system of pride...?

I punished myself over and over again... feeling guilty for all that I have and now for those who have lost everything... and I am reminded of the greatest asset in my life... my ability to see how much I have!

As I watch the news I contemplate each victims thoughts... did the passengers on the planes that were flown into the towers know they were about to die that way? Were they looking out the windows noticing how close they were to the buildings and began thinking that something terrible was about to happen? What about the people working in the towers? Someone had to notice the plane about to fly into the building right into them... what did they do in that last second of their life? And what about the victims in the smoldering top of the building who knew that there was no way to escape in time, and decided to jump instead of be burned or crushed to death? They woke up that morning, went to work, and soon found themselves ready to leap to there death... These people, given the chance to live just one more day, would live so honestly, so compasionately, so beautifully, if only they knew the end was coming. So as I watch the news, I am drawn to the ideas that the 27 year old Japanese financial assistant working at Fuji Bank on the 92nd floor had so many ambitions. He was 27, working abroad in New York City, climbing the ladder of his company, paying his dues... maybe he loved playing baseball after work? maybe he was engaged? maybe he just started taking night classes? maybe he really missed Japan? he had secrets, he had dreams, he had times when he felt alone, and frustrated, and angry, and blissful. He smiled at his accomplishments, reveled in his friendships, planned for his future and tried to make others happy. He never tried to change the world, or discover the meaning of life, or even change another persons views... he just did what he thought was right. He never imagined his death would come so soon, or be so gruesome.
He took his final minutes or seconds and missed everything. He had no time to share his secrets, or relate his dreams, or describe his fears, he simply missed everything he knew was about to be gone forever. Crushed by the weight these feelings, he simply missed.

I feel like I can see him. I am staring into his eyes, now widened by his thoughts... all he wanted to do was keep living... not spectacularly, not with incredible wealth, just simply... and now that would no longer be possible... the quiet of his stare, the blink of his eye, the simply act of living is all that is needed to understand his thought... just to be alive.

So here WE are. WE are alive, with similar ambitions, similar dreams, fears, secrets and to what end? If faced with similar circumstances, would we feel the same? I know as I sit and watch the news, that my sadness is for all the secrets that will never be shared, and the fears that will never be comforted and for the dreams that will never be realized...



These unfortunate victims who have died so prematurely truly need to be remembered forever, as with so many other people who have died before there time. And each of us will remember in their own way...

I will concentrate on living with my heart, and not with my head. I will not regret, and will always view each second of my life as extra, a bonus. Should my life end suddenly, I will smile knowing taht everyone in my life knows exactly how much they mean to me, and how much I love them. I will never need to feel cheated and will always live not only for my dreams, but for all the people who never had the opportunity or luxury of seeing there dreams realized...

I realize this point of view may sound selfish, but to me, it is the best way to honor the masses of people who died before their time... to live, and live with an incredible passion for every second of my life!