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Rules of Engagement--Part III

And last but certainly not least, I present Rule #3.

Rule #3:

I will do everything in my power to entertain you.

You may think that this should go without saying, but it is so important that it gets its own entry.

I've always thought that Moses got bored and came down too early. If that little fucking bearded sheepherder would've been more of a man and hadn't been so worried about getting down the hill for another course of that fabulous manna He had been sending down, he would've had even more invaluable lessons to bring to us. I mean, c'mon, if there was an all powerful being in the universe, and he/she/it/Jerry Garcia had decided that the word should be followed by all people at all times, don't you think he would have addressed the p.r. issues? Let's face it; the church ain't exactly a fun place to be. It probably would have read something like this:

Commandment XI: No hymnal created for the purpose of exalting my glory shall be monotonous nor atonal, but should instead be upbeat, preferably with some serious off-beat syncopation.

Commandment XII: No one incapable of keeping an audience awake for more than fifteen minutes, and in no case, anyone who sweats more than a litre an hour shall be allowed to preach unto others.

Commandment XIII: Donation plates, when turned collection side down, make fucking fantastic frisbees . . .

. . .and so on. Oh yeah, and the most important one of all . . .

Commandment XIV: Thall shalt not bore.

No shit. If you ask me, that's the cardinal sin, right there. Especially if you're a story teller.

Over the course of our little journey here together, I will tell you lots of tales. Some will be true, some will be kinda true, and some, well, some will just be plain fabrication. I'll tell you about movies I've seen and whether you should see them or run screaming if your friends tells you how wonderful it was. (And in the process, I'll try and tell you why you were such an idiot to like or not like a particular movie.)

But whatever I write, I'm going to do my best to entertain you for a few minutes.

Isn't that why you're here?

Until next time,

Joseph Haines, signing off from the Edge of The Abyss.

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