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Five Questions

Hello everyone.

In keeping with the current trend, here are my five questions (provided courtesy of Tim Pratt)and answers:

In a vicious four-way cage match, which deity would win: Sekhmet, Ahura Mazda, Hanuman, or Xipe Totec? What would the Mortal Kombat-style finishing move/coup-de-grace be?

Uh-uh. No way, Pratt. I see right through your ruse. You're cheesecloth over a mountain, buddy. You ain't foolin' noone. You're good though, I'll give you that. Feeling foolish that I didn't have an instant grasp of the deities mentioned, I hung my ignorant head and started to schlepp off to the great God google to edj-ee-cate my stupid ass in order to form an opinionated and thoughtful response.

But then, just as I was typing the "t" in Sekhmet, it dawned on me: There's a reason I don't know these Gods. I'm not supposed to.

For those of you out there who don't know, Tim Pratt is a wonderful writer whose latest collection of short stories is titled, "Little Gods." (And really folks, it's a fine book. Run, don't walk to your nearest bookstore and grab this one.) And then I thought, hmm, that's an interesting co-inkee-dink. "Little Gods." Old Gods. Hey!

You see, it is my considered opinion that Tim (and by extension, his significant other, Heather) are involved in a internet-wide Lovecraftian plot to bring these long forgotten Gods once again to power by spreading the knowledge of their names to the masses. Deep in their basement-cum-dungeon, they perform sacred rituals involving bat guano and raspberry cheesecake and provocative liqueurs, (not to mention whips and chains and leather--you didn't think Heather worked where she did for the fun of it, did you?) in an attempt to usurp the elder Gods power for themselves.

Well, I ain't having nuthin' to do with it Pratt. You get me? Go peddle your rats-in-the-walls somewhere else.

And the Mortal Combat-style finishing move/coup-de-grace? Emasculation via flying obscurity.

Who is the most underrated leader in world history?

Why that would be me, of course.

Which humor best describes you? Black bile, yellow bile, blood, or phlegm?

Black as midnight, black as pitch; blacker than the foulest witch.

Is the story of your life better suited to Kabuki or Wayang Kulit theater?

Oh, Wayang Kulit to be sure. Show me a writer for whom this isn't the case and I'll show you John Saul . . .er . . .wait. (And I'll ignore the tacit Onnagata inference there mister.)

What is the best revenge?

Answering these questions has been a great revenge upon the man who created them, but the best revenge is embarrassment. Physical pain goes away. Loss is temporary. Embarrassment lasts a lifetime.

And of course, to follow the rules:


1 - Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.

2 - I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.

3 - You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.

4 - You'll include this explanation.

5 - You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.

Joseph Haines, signing off from The Edge of the Abyss.

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