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Allowing Midgets to Vote

The Mayor of Topeka, Kansas (the city whose residents have the tallest citizens, per average, in the country) last night defied state law and allowed midgets to vote in that counties Presidential primaries with height assistance.

Mayor Alotta Stalk threw open the gates for controversy when he walked in to the local elementary school and placed soap-boxes on the floors of each of the voting booths. "This is a country where everyone, reguardless of their height orientation, should be afforded the same opportunities to reach the levers in a voting booth as anyone else." He said. "That's the kind of country in which I want to live!"

The response from the religious right was immediate. "You know, it's not like them little people are born that way," said Jerry Falldownthewell, leader of the Christian Coalition. "Being a midget is nothing but a lifestyle choice. It's a direct violation of the religious principles that call for a man to vote unaided! This could ruin the fundamental principle of voting in this country. Voting is one man and one machine, not one man, one machine and one soap-box."

President Bush immediately called for a constitutional amendment banning midget-assisted voting in direct response to recent court rulings that so-called "Platform-shoe," assisted voting for midgets did not go far enough to grant equal protection under the fourteenth amendment. "You ever try to walk in those things?" asked one dwarf, who requested that their identity be withheld.

Opinion is split 2-1 against allowing midgets assistance in voting according to the latest polls.

As one voter put it, "Hell, I got nothing against midgets. They're kinda fun to watch. You ever see one of them midgets try to get out of a taxi cab? It's the funniest thing you ever saw. But I don't know about this voting-assistance thing. Hell, next thing you know they're gonna wanna make all the voting booths shorter and then where will we be?"

The issue has gained national attention since the Supreme Court ruled earlier this year in Barty et al. v. Texas that conduct under four foot in height could not be outlawed under the fourteenth amendment. Though not directly reversing laws banning midget voting, the case could be used as arguments to granting full rights to dwarves, midgets, and other height-challenged individuals.

The President increased his rhetoric as calls from his far-right supporters intensified. "Equality is for equals," said the President. "You can call it what you want, but it isn't voting. We all know what a voting booth is, and how the Bible defines it. There ain't no "box" in "booth." "

But for now, the votes count.

Joseph Haines, signing off from The Edge of the Abyss.

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