We Are The Change We Seek
"i got this" - Kenny Wyland
This isn't where I thought I was going to be when I looked forward into my life, but here I am....
Yes We Can
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2001-08-28 4:38 PM
The Dynamics of Friends
I went to my friend Stacy's going away party on Sunday, but I didn't actually have a good time. I was surrounded by people I knew, talking about familiar topics and laughing.. but (just about) all of my old friends utterly shun Jenn and I can't figure out why. She has made numerous attempts to make in-roads with them, only to be ignored or snapped at. What makes it even harder to understand is that they started acting this way even before they met her, as if it's not _her_ but merely the idea of her.
This group of people all belong to the same role playing organization (I also did previously), and the organization is unfortunately very insular and cultish. I think they don't like her, because she's not part of the circle already. Although, everytime I try to narrow it down to some specific reason, there is always another thing that complicates it.
One of my, previously, best friends is the worst offender. He and I used to be inseperable, but now I can't invite Jenn along because he'll be nasty to her the whole time. Now, you might say, "Well, you can just hang out with him without Jenn," and it's true, I certainly do stuff on my own, but I ask myself, do I really want to spend time with him if he isn't a good enough friend to be civil to the most important person in my life? Maybe that's it, maybe he wants to be the most important person in my life...
I think he feels abandoned, even though he started feeling that way before I did anything to make him think that. I believe it's a historical reaction. Near the end of my first big relationship, I started having some problems and pulled away from my friends a bit as I tried to solve them. In my last relationship, I pulled away from my friends a bit, because I was (stupidly) running around always doing what I thought would make her happy, instead of just being myself. When I started dating Jenn (a little wiser this time through), I paid great attention to retaining who I was and retaining my connections with my friends. However, I don't know that they waited to see if I would do it again... I think they just kind of fell into abandoned mode. I would invite them to hang out, but I would play second-fiddle to the role playing games. If they did decide to show up though, many of them would ignore or be nasty to Jenn. I'm probably rambling at this point, but I hope the above makes sense.
As I said, it's not all of my old friends who are doing this, just the severe majority. Several of them are still being good friends and even enjoy Jenn's company (you guys know who you are, and I really appreciate it).
One of my old friends mentioned that I change when I get a girlfriend and when I break up, I become the "good ole Kenny we know and love." I've been thinking a lot about that, but looking back at all the times after my break ups, I was always a mess. I was angry, I was venomous to people, I didn't care if I hurt other people's feelings, I was pretty much a horrible person to be around. Is that what they think is the "good ole Kenny?" I don't want to be that guy, I want to be the guy I am right now... Happy with myself seperate from everyone else, and in utter bliss in my relationship with Jenn.
I list "Happy with myself seperate from everyone else" first, because that was one of the important things I had to accomplish before I got into a new relationship. It was one of my pre-reqs to getting into a relationship after my last g/f broke up with me. I was afraid I would begin a dependant lifestyle where I couldn't be happy unless I was with someone, which means that I'm not actually happy with my life. (I'm definately rambling now.) So, I digress. Happy with self. Happy with Jenn. Now, I just need to figure out some way to fix the situation with my old friends.... suggestions are welcome.
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