Electric Grandmother

Maggie Croft's Personal Journal young spirit, wire-wrapped
spark electric grandmother
arc against the night

-- Lon Prater
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50 not so true things

Here they are: Fifty statements that may be true, may be false, or may fall in the middle of these two extremes:

1) I'm descended from a secret group of Jews who hid out in England several hundred years ago.

2) I make the best cheesecake in the world. Many cheesecake aficionados have said so.

3) Despite asking many people, I didn't know what "69" meant until a sixteen-year-old explained it to me during my first semester at college.

4) Exit 69 will take you to the university where I studied.

5) I have a keychain that will help the aliens bring me home after they abduct me.

6) During grades 1 through 5, I would go to the school library at recess and check out (under a pseudonym) the books that only the sixth graders could check out. (The library aides weren't so bright....)

7) I've spent time with Darth Vader.

8) I've made money selling ye olde plain grey and brown rocks.

9) My dad used to drive around in an old giant mail truck (about the size of a UPS truck).

10) I lived in my car for two weeks the summer of my eighteenth year.

11) I am a high school dropout.

12) I am the valedictorian of my graduating class.

13) I am descended from a long line of medicine women, an art I refused to learn.

14) I am descended from a long line of black widows, an art I refused to learn.

15) I talk to angels, and they answer back.

16) I studied archaeology so Indiana Jones would want to date me.

17) I can play the piano with my toes.

18) My husband is why I am no longer a vegetarian.

19) I left the Catholic Church because I was a vegetarian.

20) I've driven people I love clinically insane.

21) I like 86% pure chocolate.

22) I miss Peanut Butter Snickers.

23) I am addicted to Coke.

24) I avoid white vans; they're usually driven by people who want to grab me, make me dissociate and put implants in my head.

25) I studied under THE Bigfoot Expert and I've seen the proof.

26) I see dead people.

27) I make my own water. It tastes like vanilla.

28) My FICO score is 740.

29) I used to have a crush on Aladdin.

30) "Her Pilgrim Soul" was one of my biggest influences as a child.

31) I was offered the chance to study theater under some of the greatest Russian teachers.

32) I was offered the chance to study archaeology in Bulgaria.

33) Ignorance is fatal.

34) I used to give interviews and fill people in on my past lives.

35) I used to be able to read animals' minds, but the current administration is why I'm no longer able to do so.

36) I'm afraid to publish because when I do what is published comes true.

27) When I was a freshman, my friends and I would go to the library and tell the ditzy girls what was really in their makeup. (You do know what ural is, don't you?)

28) I gave my sixth grade homeroom teacher a nickname that is still being used to this day.

29) During my freshman and sophomore years of college, every guy I'd ever fancied during grades one through twelve showed up and wanted to be with me. A couple even proposed. And I turned them all down.

30) When I was fourteen, my dentist hypnotized me so I couldn't read for two weeks.

31) My parents are both geniuses. I am not.

32) The first movie I ever sat through was _The Cat from Outer Space_.

33) I starred in a porno.

34) One of my best friends was murdered. I was a witness. The cops decided it was an accident.

35) During the spring of 1995, there were two weeks where I only slept 2 hours a night at most because of a plant.

36) I have never smoked pot, but I know I'm allergic to the smoke.

37) I am part fish.

38) There was a monster in the lake that was across the street from where I grew up.

39) I've eaten dog food and hand lotion.

40) I remember my second birthday.

41) I hung with Tiffany and stalked her band ... as an adult.

42) My grandmother drug me into her sister's grave.

43) Members of my family who were Native American were taken hostage by AIM.

44) I've been to the Dream Mine.

45) I hear the voices, except for when I pass through Massacre Rocks.

46) When I was ten, I thought David Bowie was hot.

47) I used to have a night mare every night.

48) I learn best when I teach myself. And that applies to EVERYTHING.

49) My hair was torched in band.

50) I'm an introvert. I get lonely easily and quickly.

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