Well.

I had my first hot flash last night.

Emil wanted to know what it felt like. I said that it felt like getting embarrassed all of a sudden . . . except in my case, it was like getting embarrassed in my sleep, or half-sleep, which never happens in real life. It's really not something you can describe. Sort of the way you can't describe what it's like being kicked from the inside, or what a pregnancy hormone rush feels like, or anything else that goes along with the female reproductive system . . . At any rate, I was singularly unimpressed.

On the bright side, that flash provides me some justification and consolation for the fact that I've been so tired lately that I feel like I've been hit by a truck. That nine and a half hours of sleep I can't seem to do without lately (whether I want to or not - I can't wake up!) just isn't cutting it any more; I'm still dragging all day. Twice in the past week I've exercised - and then been so tired I've taken a nap. For other health reasons, I'd decided that it would probably be a good idea if I weaned myself from caffeine. So I've been drinking herbal tea lately, and blaming the fatigue on that - but I've stopped drinking coffee before, with really no discernible side effects. (I don't even get a lack-of-caffeine headache.) So yesterday morning, faced with the prospect of a really long day, I cracked . . . and got out the high-test stuff. Even that didn't keep me awake very well.

Also, lately, my neurons feel like they're wrapped in cotton batting; after about 8 at night I can't think about anything useful, productive, or even vaguely strenuous. Since much of my grading has to happen at night, I've been falling behind and wondering what in the hell is wrong with me. I can't even knit anything complicated. All I can seem to do is read knitting blogs and stare longingly at my yarn . . .

And my weight, woo! For those previously-alluded-to health reasons, I've decided that I really should take off a few pounds. For the past week I've changed my eating habits quite radically - no sugar, few refined carbs, lots and lots of salad. So yesterday I got on the scale and I weighed three pounds more than I had the day before. What's up with that???

Anyhow, realizing that all of these things can be attributed to imminent menopause was a great relief. My other theories (cancer, heart disease, lung problems) were of course much more dire . . . but I have to tell you, you men in the audience, it is quite something to have a body whose state seesaws so rapidly from one pole to the next - and have that be normal. This state of mind and body reminds me of pregnancy (which I could also hardly believe we characterize as normal). Of course, pregnancy is better because:

1. It only lasts nine months (give or take a month - but that's nothing to the "give or take five years" that's menopause . . . )

2. At the end of it, you have a baby, which, in this day and age, was probably the outcome you wanted in the first place.

And I've been somewhat depressed lately, too. Nothing major, but it just peeves me to no end when you read about menopause-related depression on the web. Like many women's health issues, the tone is weirdly politically correct and patronizing at the same time. They're always careful to say that depression is not a common occurrence in menopause (lest we think that women are somehow "weak") - and that if you experience it, it's probably because your life is so, so hard, and it's soo-oo difficult to come to grips with the fact that you are losing your fertility and hence getting old . . . which strikes me as another version of "it's all in your head, sweetheart." Well, excuse me. I have a stupidly easy life, I no longer care to reproduce, I'm not particularly bent out of shape about getting older, AND MAYBE THE MOODS HAVE TO DO WITH THE FACT THAT IN A 24-HOUR PERIOD MY HORMONES CAN YO-YO BETWEEN THE LEVELS THEY WERE AT WHEN I WAS 16 AND THE LEVELS THEY'LL BE AT WHEN I'M 70???? I mean, hell-looooo!

Sigh.

I'm not, obviously, ready to shuffle off this mortal coil, but I sure do wish I could trade it in on a sleeker, more energy-efficient model. Or at least get it tuned up.