Mr. Cloudy's Shelter
A Place to Listen and be Heard

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staring myself down

I'm feeling both vulnerable and angry today. Maybe the anger scares me. It is so darn easy for me to feel diminished by the things others say, don't say, do and don't do (and no I'm not thinking of any of you dear readers). I think I realized one whole conglomeration of stuff inside me today that all revolves around a sense of violation of my deepest values.

And they happen is so many mild ways that none on their own seems worthy of anger. But it's like I've been crying inside and the tears have been collecting in a basin most of my life, and for some reason I saw into the basin today.

A tear for having to hold my tongue when a little league coach berates his own son in public. A tear for not saying anything about a joke I didn't want to admit hurt. A tear for saying yes to something I wanted to say no to because I believed someone else's happiness was my responsibility. A tear for spending money I didn't have. A tear for every bite of food I wasn't hungry for but ate anyway.

And I saw this today without guilt or shame but with great clarity -- that I may diminish my own self more than any other person ever has. And I pray to stop, not knowing yet what that will mean.

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