Mr. Cloudy's Shelter
A Place to Listen and be Heard

Previous Entry :: Next Entry

Read/Post Comments (4)
Share on Facebook

Onion all the way down...

Something like that was Shrek's retort to Donkey when Donkey asked what was beneath the layers of Shrek's Onion-ness.

I've often wondered if I could peel away the layers what I would find inside. At the moment I'm inclined to think I have a pretty good idea what I am, and what I am not. I'm not sure if there really is a mystery to be solved as much as a choice whether to be me or someone "better." It is naturally easy to say "be me." But to have real clarity about who one is, is also clarity about who one is not, and I cannot choose to be me without also choosing not to be who I am not. Tricky business this sort of giving up. I am not chatty, not emotionally stable, not resilient or sturdy of disposition, not physically energetic, not optimistic, not good at doing routine things because they must be done, not good at keeping in touch, not good at finishing projects or good at starting them except in rough outline, etc. and much worse unmentioned etc.

Now an irony is that by trying to be what I am not, I have learned to be very controlled/controlling. But that will have to go to (my best coping mechanism) because I can see now that it is the greatest self-rejection I practice. I've become very good at it (despite constantly seeing it's limitations) not because it is the real me but precisely because one of the few things I could believe all these years is that I must be not me.

And there's the rub. If I try to be me, it may just be another control game, and to be me I have to give up control, not exercise it. So I must be me effortlessly.

Read/Post Comments (4)

Previous Entry :: Next Entry

Back to Top

Powered by JournalScape © 2001-2010 All rights reserved.
All content rights reserved by the author.