Anyone who’s known me for any length of time knows that I get sad in the springtime. Not Dora Carrington sad, more like Morrissey-lite. It only lasts a few weeks, but every year, there it is. I don’t know where it comes from, and it’s not even that winter thing people get from lack of sunlight. Spring is lovely and flowery (which I adore), but all I seem to be able to see is the passage of time (i.e. my birthday) and the finite-ness of everything. This is usually when my relationships fall apart, but I am making sure to not let this touch what I have now.

This isn’t even anything that could be called a depression, it’s more a series of tiny bits of weird intangible grief. Weirder still is the fact that these small sorrows never add up to anything larger. (Or maybe after years they will, I don’t know.)

A great example: Saturday night was the nonRefundables show and it was great. B dedicated a song to me for my birthday, and C and I sang and drank and had a great time. On the way home, I was behind an ambulance. As I’m sure everyone knows, the inside of an ambulance is well lit at night. I could see a man with an oxygen mask laying on a stretcher, and a middle-aged woman sitting beside him with her head in her hands. I was behind them for a bit and it broke my heart, I was so sad for them. Not unusual, you might say. That scene sort of stuck with me all day Sunday, and it compounded every little thing I saw. I took Duke to McDade Park for a walk, and tiny things killed me: a small dead fish at the edge of the lake, a bird’s nest on the ground, a Silver Surfer kite shredded in a tree. Now I might have normally noticed these things and seen the sad beauty in them, but that day, they sort of exponentially compounded my sadness. Instead of coming home invigorated by the sunlight and air, I felt terrible. It’s like all the random unreasonable thoughts I usually have get turned up to 10. I’m thankful that it seems to be in the tail end now and really grateful that it never lingers too long. It’s like a strange cloud that gets tired of me after a while...

Anyway, I’m not fishing for comfort or anything, just trying to work this out. You know, "those who don't learn form the past," etc, etc.