i've known this for some time. last year i was seeing a therapist, and she mentioned it to me.

i thought co-dependents were people who had to have a mate. that wasn't me. i was single and happy being that way for over 7 years! i didn't realize it meant taking on other people's problems and feeding off them.

she told me it's a coping mechanism that i learned and used due to the type of household i grew up in, my mother being bi-polar and just plain mean and crazy. and once you develop a habit like this, it's hard to break.

so i've lived with it for all these years. i could tell you about growing up with my mother, but it's neither here nor there. i'm sure she did the best she could with what she had and she probably couldn't help herself really. she didn't have a great life growing up either. i'm sure she learned some shitty life skills from her mom and dad and never realized it could be better or even different.

i could also tell you about all the problems i've brought on myself because of this sickness over the years, but that's neither here nor there either. i've done the best i could with what i had too.

it's time to get over it, get a grip on it, and move on.

now that i understand why i do or don't do the things that cause me problems - why i can never seem to focus on my own life, why i can't tell anyone NO, why i can't get rid of the garbage that keeps getting in my way - it's time to refocus.

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i had an epiphany a couple weeks ago. i ran it past my BFF deborah who is a licensed clinical social worker. she can't ethically officially counsel me, but i bounce things off her and she gives me feedback.

she said i was dead on.

i've told you about my daughter's friend who has the scarring on her neck and chin and how she doesn't have a very good home life.

'beauty' as i call her, called one night for katherine and was crying so hard she could barely talk. she was home alone with her 9 yr old sister who apparently has developmental problems of some kind. it was only 7:00pm, but still, it was 3 hours of an 11 yr old babysitting her challenged 9 yr old sister. they were fighting and i don't know what else was going on. katherine was doing homework and i wouldn't let her talk to beauty. i talked with her for a bit and calmed her down.

this isn't the first time the girl has called here crying and upset. katherine has talked with her a couple of times and gotten very upset herself, feeling sorry for beauty and how hard she has it. on 2 occasions it was hard for her to finish her homework, and she went to bed crying.

i thought to myself how awful it is for anyone at the tender age of 12 to have to be burdened with friends like this. i want my daughter to be kind and loving, but at 12 she should have some semblence of a childhood still, not friends who are constantly upsetting her.

i feel sorry for beauty too, but i cannot let her upset my daughter so much. i talked to katherine and she understands. they are still friends at school, but i don't let her talk to her over the phone anymore. i just never know when beauty will call here upset and upset katherine. i know it sounds mean, but my first responsibility as a parent is to my daughter.

after i hung up the phone and realized how all this was affecting my daughter, i realized that by allowing my brother and son to live here under these conditions, i am teaching her to become co-dependent like i am! and she deserves much better than that.

so, as my sister and i say, i will "stop the madness" and get them out and have some semblence of a normal family life, whatever that is. i don't really know what it is, i don't think i've ever had one, but we're gonna give it a try!!!

i'm not one to get mushy, but i have to add here that i have a saint for a husband. would anyone else have put up with all this crap for this long???

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could ya please send some good thoughts my way??? i'm still learning how to practice my new coping skills...and it ain't always easy!!!

xoxo