i have so many, they're starting to feel like old friends.

mid life crisis?? maybe.

what does one do when one thinks that most of their life has been wasted in so many ways?

i have my kids. as much as they can be a pain in the ass, i never knew a heart could hold so much love. i wouldn't trade them for anything, and i wouldn't have them any other way. well, except for the son and the work thing. but he is working now, at least.

we can't choose the family we were born into, but we can make decisions that affect how we get treated by those family members. how much we allow them to get away with. we can choose how much mistreatment we're willing to accept.

i guess like anyone else, i have made decisions over the years for reasons that i thought were sound, at least at the time. many decisions i made based on what i thought was best for my kids, self-sacrificing mom that i am. now i realize that my youngest will probably be gone in just over 5 years, and my son comes and goes at will, and i don't think i'm going to have much of a life after they no longer "need" me.

what to do?

i dunno. i'm trying to figure it all out.

as an adult with responsibilities, there are so many restrictions on what i can and can't do. time and money are huge obstacles. plus, i still can't decide what i want to be when i grow up. all i ever really wanted to do was have a houseful of children to love.

it wasn't a houseful, but it was all i could have. so that's at least one goal accomplished. and these kids are the sweetest you'll find. they aren't perfect and i wouldn't want them to be. but they are unlike any other i've seen. i also know i need to set a better example for them in so many ways.

i also have a spouse to consider. i don't think he has many expectations for me other than to be here and bring in some money, and i do that. but i want more. i need more. i need more to do to fill up my time that's satisfying for me emotionally, physically, financially.

maybe i'm just needing to be needed a bit more...or maybe i just need to need me a bit more...

i don't know. like i said, i'm trying to figure it out. at least i realize something, and i have a starting point.

that's a start, right?