but i'm looking at the last vestiges of the full moon setting behind the trees and i don't want to go in yet.

it's perfect.

woke up at 5 thank you, rolled around for an hour, finally got up. made coffee (i love my welchol!!!), came outside and i've been here ever since, catching up with some dear friends and loved ones.

i'm wrapped up in my fave blankie, but i'm not wearing my warm slippers. my little toes sticking out are colddddd as is my nose, but not cold enough to go inside. the light is turning lavender now and i'll be able to turn off the patio lights soon.

i think this time of day is more magical than any other. everything is so quiet and fresh and new.

yeah, i know. i sound like a pollyanna, huh?

****

ahhh, friday.

ok, i'm glad to not have more work to do after today. my right hand is killing me, so i'm learning to scrub and vaccuum with my left, but i kind of hate weekends too.

i have to find things to do to keep busy and not concentrate on how bored i am. and i rarely have anyone willing to participate.

this is not right, ya know? i know people who actually do things on weekends. big things, small things, all sorts of things. yes, i'm jealous.

we were supposed to go to canada this weekend and bring my mom back with us. i called her a few weeks ago and told her i just couldn't do it. i have too many things going on in my head and with my family and i just wasn't up for it. she was really pissed. and really pissed because i wouldn't give her any details.

i don't think i owe her any details. it's my life, i'm 45, and i'm not obligated to tell her any more than i want to. she has only called once since then. left a message: i just wanted to see if you'd gotten your life in order yet.

i haven't returned her call, and i don't plan on doing so anytime soon.

she told my sister how "inconsiderate" i was to cancel on her.

don't even get me started.

is it not inconsiderate to ask someone to drive 18 hours to take you to a different city to go to a doctor's appt when there's not a damn thing wrong with you in the first place?

i should have known. she and my brother are so used to me bending over backward to do everything for them. this is the first time i've said no to either of them. remember what happened when i told him to grow up? and now she's pissed as well.

i guess my co-dependent and passive/aggressive issues are being resolved. it's past time, i'd say.

****

i've taken up running.

yeah, i know. funny, ain't it?

i used to run when i was young. 5 miles at a time, sometimes twice a day. it was the quickest easiest way to escape the insane house that i grew up in.

now i'm using it for some of the same reasons, altho i realize now too that it's a great stress reliever as well as an escape. there's a park with a mile track about a half mile from here. i just take off and go.

which reminds me, i need to charge the ipod. i've found that zeppelin provides the stimulus i need to keep going. their music has such drive to it.

now if only i cold quit smoking. the doc told me to wait until i lose the last 20 lbs i want to lose so that i don't start gaining weight again, then quit. by then, if i keep running, i'll be feeling good, have my motabolism built up, and maybe won't gain so much weight and be inclined to continue exercising.

last night i really didn't want to go, but i did, and i felt so much better afterward, physically and emotionally.

it's something that's mine, you know...all mine.

and we all need a little something to call our very own, don't we???

****

i hope all my loved ones have a lovely friday, and an even better weekend.

a hike to the river. yeah, that sounds good for the weekend.