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I Was Just Kidding Myself All Along
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The one thing I cannot abide is feeling trapped, with no way out. Fence me in, bar the door, build a wall and I am depressed and angry.

So I built this fantasy in which I could retire in 2009. I had even set a specific date: December 11, 2009. It gave me the illusion that there was light at the end of the tunnel, that I wouldn't be chained to a desk at work, drag my tired old ass home, and enslaved to the drudgery of housework and nursing care at home for the rest of my life.

I thought I could retire and use part of the time thus freed up to do some of the social service projects I've always dreamed about: read to the blind, teach literacy to adults, participate in activist groups for environmental protection and cleanup, volunteer to support candidates whose platform I can agree with.

But I guess it's time to face the reality. I will never retire; I will never be able to afford it. S.O. has plans to consult estate planning attorneys, buy tools galore, rebuild the addition onto the other house, buy a new hospital bed for himself, buy recliner chairs, buy an electric wheelchair and an electric cart (both) for getting around...buy, buy, buy.

I can't prevent it, short of divorce or declaring him incompetent, neither of which is a realistic possibility. So I will continue to work until I drop dead behind my desk, at which point I won't give a damn one way or the other any more.

I'm depressed and angry, but I have to be realistic about this and just say that I have enough to eat, a roof over my head and a job. I should be grateful for what I have and that I continue to have good enough health to keep working. Lots of people have less.

But I really did want to retire. And I really did want to find other creative outlets for my remaining years. Ah, well, you don't always get what you want and I suppose wiping a person's bottom and checking the quality of the bowel movements can be called service just as much as demonstrating for peace or writing an insightful essay.

Who am I to fight it? He will just continue to figure out ways to sabotage my plans, as he always has. He won the battle and he won the war.

I hope I've learned something and if there is another life, that I have learned to make better choices than I did in this one.

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