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"Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road"
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Honest, I swear, I'm not making this up. Nor is it Midsummer Madness.

The Los Angeles Times has an article in today's edition titled, "Forgive Me Father, For I Have Tailgated." There are 10 guidelines for better driving. The first one, "You shall not kill" seems unexceptionable. Three of the other commandments focus on support for victims; the last exhorts all to "feel responsible" toward others [what about taking personal responsibility for one's actions?].

And just what is "uprightness"?

One motorcyclist, complaining about other drivers, said, "They crucify me, just like Jesus," according to the article. [Obviously, he has no real idea of what crucifixion does to the human body and how agonizing the death.] Another driver wondered who would enforce these commandments of the road. A higher power, I suppose.

I'm not sure saying the rosary would help, except perhaps to calm the spirit and focus the mind, which would be an aid to concentration and an encouragement to being courteous.

Who knows? Can't help but be better than being hyped on rap.


For Los Angeles drivers, I offer the following:

1. If thou chooseth to drive only the speed limit, thou must stay in the right hand lane and stay out of the way of SUVs and monster pickups and the rest of us.

2. Thou shalt not stop at a yellow light. If thou chooseth to stop at a yellow light, thou shalt be hit from behind and enter the intersection involuntarily.

3. Thou shalt not drive on the freeway unless thou hath put away thy cell phone.

4. Thou shalt not honketh at me. This is Los Angeles and we doth not liketh that at all.

5. Thou shalt not express thy opinion of other drivers, especially if thou art trying to say that the other driver is "number one." He knoweth that already. If thou dost not understand Commandment 5 thou shouldst keep thy hands out of sight at all times.

6. Thou shalt not drive the roads of L. A. with inadequate tires. If thou chooseth to drive with bald tires and if thou chooseth to think that thou art Dale Earnhardt, Jr., then thou shalt carry a spare tire and a crew of men in thy vehicle that shalt be able to change thy tires in 18 seconds flat.

7. Thou must remember that garbage trucks do always have the right of way.

8. If thou desireth to drive with free-flowing traffic, thou must drive between the hours of 3 a.m. and 3:30 a.m.

9. Thy car is not a restroom; do thy makeup before thou dost depart from thy driveway. Neither is thy car is a library; readeth not thy newspaper whilst driving.

10. Thou shalt remember that the meek may inherit the earth, but they shalt not survive the freeways of Los Angeles. Thou shalt keep up with traffic or take a bus.

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