The doctor, hubby and I discussed what will happen after he is discharged from the VA.

Not-so-subtle pressure put on me--"A real wife would welcome her beloved husband back home, quit her job, and devote the rest of her life to cleaning, changing diapers, giving meds, cathing, and running errands. And be glad of it. What's wrong with you? You need to learn to be more intimate."

As if servitude were intimacy.

My response (mental) was KMA. My response (verbal) was the affirmation: I will not accept him back at home until he has round the clock care in place -- and not from me. I've said it so often now, I feel like a broken record. But that's what has to happen when being affirmative. "This is what I need."

I felt selfish, but when I tried to put it in terms of the patient's needs, I was told I was controlling. So I re-phrased in terms of what I needed, my conditions for accepting him back. I can see now that they, hubby and doctor, were trying to trap me in a catch-22, with the only way out being compliance and martyrdom. Made me angry and uncomfortable.

The whole episode with the doctor gave me disturbing dreams, but eventually I fell asleep and I feel better today. I'm glad I held the line--though I did concede that I would take him places on weekend trips as a sweetener for being placed in a nursing home.

Life is good, even if you weaken a little.