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Various and Sundry
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No, that's not "sun dry" though I wish it were. The humidity has settled at about 80%, which is the kind of air moisture we here in Southern California usually see only in winter, when it's raining--not coupled with sunshine.

Worked some more today on the garage. I've cleared a path from the walkin door in the back almost to the front rollup door. The recycle bin is full and the garbage bin half full. Have to leave room for the bag from the kitchen and the wastepaper baskets Friday morning (trash day).

I came across some plastic ware that I had sorted out from the kitchen--bowls with no tops, tops with no bottoms--why on earth I was saving them escapes me now. Out they went into the bright blue recycle bin.

Also sorted through boxes and bags of screws, u-bolts, wingnuts, etc. Brand new in boxes, in the bags they were brought home in. N is nothing if not acquisitive. Also many pill containters into which he was going to (have me) put them. Typical--ideate a project, buy the goods, get me to do the work of setting it up. Never put into place or get used.

Well, I'm glad that pattern is over. Enablers of the world, untie!

Also found the last bag of my mother's journals. That was the end of the sorting and cleaning, because I sat down to read one of them and was absorbed totally. I had forgotten how tormented and psychotic she was--time tends to ease painful memories.

I will save some of them for the Women's History center at UCLA, but the more personal and painful will have to go. No one needs to know publicly now, after my keeping it quiet for 60 years. She's at peace at long last and I hope the next time around she feels less attacked and consumed by the evils she sees/imagines.

One final notebook is on the kitchen table for me to read. I couldn't quite face the last one without another cup of coffee and something to eat. Maybe I'll wait until after church.

Her comments about me are quite painful to read. She never forgave me for not sharing her delusions, for loving the world and its people and being loved and accepted in return. She wanted me to quit my job, leave my husband, and retreat with her into her apartment, barricading the door. She never forgave me for my telling her "no".

She predicted I'd be riddled by guilt for that. I'm still waiting--no guilt. I understood what she was asking of me, but I had a different path to follow.

Well, on to topics less sad and full of regret. It's a beautiful day and I'm looking forward to Emerson UU Church services.

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