Ever since we got our first child, now known as Miss Teen, we have encouraged her to be her own person. This was not exceedingly difficult. She was the baby who ate grits instead of rice cereal, the toddler who did the conga into church, the 4 year old who sang Gloria Esteban songs while standing on the neighbor's coffee table, the kid whose best friend was in her 60's, the child who got separated from me in Amsterdam when she was 7 and found her own way back to the hotel and on and on and on.

But now all of that encouragement of independence is coming back to bite me. She doesn't care what others say about how she dresses or how she wears her makeup. She swears that she doesn't believe in God and yet when one of her friends at school told Miss Teen she needs to be saved Miss Teen's response was, "Isn't that sweet Mom, she really cares about me." We had a discussion recently about her grade point average (3.57 right now) and how if she worked just a little harder she could have a 3.9 by the end of her freshman year. Miss Teen's response? "I'll take the 3.5, I want to have a social life."

So, now I struggle on a daily basis about where to draw the line. Do I insist that she dress like I think she would look nicest or do I just insist that she not look *inappropriate*. And what exactly constitutes *inappropriate*. (BTW, right now it means no belly showing, no torn jeans for school, and I hid her black eyeliner.)

I do insist that she go to church with the rest of the family, but she is allowed to read during the sermon. She does still enjoy going to youth group because she can see some of her friends. Besides, it makes complete sense to hand this issue over to God.

The grades drive me nuts. I was the student who knew my average in every class all the time and could tell you what I had to get to keep it where it needed to be or raise it to where I wanted it. That is why I am a doctor today. On the other hand, I was and am very lonely sometimes and maybe she has the right balance between social life and school.

This year Miss Teen started high school. For the past 9 years she has gone to the Episcopal school near us. It is an excellent school in the tradition of Anglican education. Classes were small, teachers were involved with the kids, and most of the school is lilly white and very affluent. Now Miss Teen is going to the public high school. It is also an excellent school, has wonderful honors classes, involved teachers and small classes. But it is different. We live in a transitional area between suburban commuters to New Orleans and rural small town south. The high school reflects this. At freshman orientation the vice principal talked as long about college prep as she did about the on campus meat packing facility. There is a very prominent display board in the front office showing former students who are serving in Iraq and Afghanistan instead of going to college.

So what's my point? Well, at freshman orientation Miss Teen refused to stand for the pledge of allegience. I asked for it. I raise her to be independent, to have her own mind on things and to be true to her self.

But when she didn't stand, my foot came down. I pulled her up and insisted that she recite that pledge with the rest of us. Why? And why is exactly what Miss Teen wanted to know later that night. Why had that incident brought such a response? I don't know if I was right but I told her that until she was ready to pledge allegience to some other country, she should say it out of respect for those former students who are in Iraq and Afghanistan and out of respect for their families.

The kid makes me think. I asked for it.