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Hello, I am YFAT or Lo. I have been writing on Journal Scape for eight years now, working on my ninth. How the time flies! This journal chronicles my random thoughts, high moments and sometimes low, throughout high school, college, and now beyond, into the world of "adulthood", whatever that means.
2010-03-01 11:03 AM
Great week but boy am I confused now
Uh...wow. How do I even describe the past week?
It has been awesome and surprising and not filled with enough sleep as I would like but has been TOTALLY worth it.
I'm going to start with a few basics:
I received an A- on my first response paper for 20th century America.
I received a 25/25 on my first quiz for US History II (when I thought I would do crappy!).
We did grabs in Self-Defense class! I love grabs. We also did cross-arm blocks but I didn't know my partner was WEARING A JEWELED WATCH!!! until I saw a knot forming on my arm, saw a glimmer of gold on hers and asked her to remove it. For a moment I was genuinely worried where usually I'm like "Oh that will suck, whatever." The watch can be effective outside of class but in class it is causing more damage than necessary and makes me go "Hey, whoa, hey! I didn't agree to this part!" Needless to say I have had a nice dark bruise on my arm which has been very visible. I have been loading up on vitamin C to make it go away and hoping the "WTF happened to you?" expressions stop. I mean it isn't really wondered any more where my bruises come from at this point but still...
I am turning 21 in seventeen days which means that Ray will no longer have any kind of legal or fiscal responsibility for me. This makes me happy. Also it is the last birthday that means anything. As of 21 your birthdays don't really mean much anymore. You can drink now, you can die, you are an adult. Yay.
We had a snow day on Friday! The whole campus was in a celebratory and joyful mood and a lot of people took the time to go outside and romp in the snow that had given us liberation. My friends Caroline, Brittanie, Lauren and I all went outside and had a blast and built this lovely snow woman:
We were having such genuine fun and giggling our asses off so much that a photographer from the college's Alumni magazine took our pictures.
So now for the confusing but simultaneously fun stuff:
On Thursday my friend Jason and I were talking and he confronted me, asking if I was serious with the flirtation I have been engaging him in lately. I responded that yes I was. So after talking for a little while we came to an agreement to test out a theory of being in a casual and fun sort of relationship thing. I appreciate the way that Jason just laid it out on the table, said he isn't looking for anything long term or to fall in love here. I was in agreement because I like to take things day by day and I also can't picture myself "falling in love" with him. He came up to my room once I got out of work and we ended up looking through my new Weapons book and shooting my Nerf guns at each other. The Empire of Nerfdom is expanding, bwhahaha.
Continuing on on Friday night I was playing Quelf (extremely fun) with some friends when Vicci called me and told me that Tall Matt was asking her things to do on a date with me.
I felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I was not excited at all. In fact my reaction was more along the lines of "What the hell? This is not real. How is this happening?" I was confused and cranky.
I emergency called Sammy and she and I went up to my room to talk about it a while. I had given up on Matt, didn't think anything would happen with us. He has taken efforts lately but...I was ready to just focus on school and put him out of my mind. Sammy said that Jason and I seem to vibe better anyway, that there is more attraction and fun between us. Still confused I called it a night.
I woke up very cranky the next morning and was feeling VERY cynical. In fact because I was so grumpy I invented a new curse:
PULL THE STICK OUT OF YOUR ASS AND SUCK IT!
No, I have not used it on anyone but I am quite proud of it.
I was angry for a number of reasons. Mainly because I was unsure of if Matt actually "likes" me and if it was Vicci just nudging him in to it since I told her on Tuesday night that I had no plans on asking him out.
I log on to Facebook and there before me is a message from Tall Matt that screams petrified and is very vague. It takes five or six messages back and forth over the course of a day to settle upon a day, time and place...which was Sunday (yesterday) at 5:30.
In the mean time I took a trip to the city with Jason where we purchased Nerf guns. He ended up with this SICK rapid firing, 32 dart shooter gun that when you hold it requires a "Bwhahaha" moment. I bought myself a shot-gun variety kind. It was really hard to resist opening them there and not wreaking havoc upon the mall-goers. We had the brilliant idea of a new kind of drive-by: a person being pushed super fast in a wheel chair while shooting a Nerf gun like crazy. Jason and I just looked at each other like "If we do that we will be in such deep shit." Hahaha. There was a mutually nerdy moment in Borders when we were walking around and I said something about loving Dwarves. He looked at me in semi-amazement and said "I like you even more now." "What, did you think I was an elf-chick? Gimli all the way!" Fuuuun times.
Once we got back I thought I'd do homework...but then ended up going to his dorm with my Nerf guns and seeing how "nice" his new toy was.
It was sick. You can just bombard people! Our friend was making cookies for Purim and we hung out in the lounge with her and just buried our friends that passed by. A couple of people borrowed the gun to go on missions of their own. It was hilarious! My little guns have better range and better accuracy than Jason's gun though. They also peg you harder (I was pretty pissed when I was nailed in the face right on top of a pimple). The dorm was terrorized and it was worth it.
The next day dawned and I was kind of dreading it a little. I felt very unsure. I plugged away at some homework and tried to shut my brain off (fail) until it was time.
But you know what? It was okay. Tall Matt is interesting when he's one-on-one and even a little bit funny. He has a lot of cool stories to tell (I learned that he has eaten a cooked centipede and it really does taste like chicken). It was relatively relaxed. We went on a walk as would be normal and continued talking. I pursuaded him to jump on a a snow chunk in the path after I had done so twice already. It was a thoroughly entertaining sight.
Our words went no where romantic but personally I'm fine with that.
When I got back to my room I decided that I want to give Matt another try and felt like a bit of an idiot for not saying something on the walk. Next weekend we are going to hang out sometime.
I'm not quite sure what do to now this is raining men on me. It is really uncommitted with either of them right now. Matt...I can see myself entering a good friendship with him where we each have something to learn from each other with potential "l word" in there. He appreciates the silences and alone time as I do and is pretty cool when it is one on one. Matt is a mystery to be unraveled, a person to explore, to have awkward moments with and laugh about them later. He is a person I want to take my time with (even though he only has one semester left here).
Jason is admittedly tapping in to the "young wild youthful" thing of college. I am more physically attracted to him and I can't see myself being emotionally invested. He has also already stated that isn't what he wants. Mom thinks this sounds like he is using me but in that case I am using him too.
Still it pretty much blows that this happened at the same time. I'm excited and happy but I don't know who to be more excited about. I can't really compare the two because they each do different things for me and are entirely different people.
Ugh. I mean the Weather Girl may say "Hallelujah" when it's raining men
but I just say it's CONFUSING! I'll be okay. At least I'm having fun. Keeping it casual should work but when it comes time to make a real decision it will suck.
I have never been in this position before so it promises to be a learning experience.
On that note I need to go kill some homework since I made very little progress on this weekend (totally worth it though).
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