I am a clumsy, dorky individual. This is not to say that I take any of the credit or blame for this. In fact, I blame it all on gravity.

I mean this in two ways-- let me first begin with the one that tends to attack the most often: Newton's gravity. Every so often, this force singles me out for special treatment and pulls me to the ground, generally allowing me to hit more than one overly solid object on the way down. At other times, it just releases me momentarily. This has the effect of sending me airborn just long enough for gravity to take a stronger grip on me as I flail gracelessly through the air and land much harder than had the gravity simply tugged me down without the benefit of the brief period of flight.

For example, today I tripped over the ottoman in my livingroom. At least that is how it looked to the untrained eye. You see, I knew that the ottoman was there. It has always been there. In fact, I was the person who put it there. It is made of hard wood and has a bright red cushion that sits on it. So how could I miss it? I did not. I shoved my foot directly into one of the feet of that too-solid tuffet. I knew the pain before I felt it. The thud and symphony of "crack!" that emerged from different points along my right foot were deafening. My breath caught in my lungs. As gravity strengthened its grip on my torso and pulled roughly on me, my arms managed to catch me. My mind was screaming--then my throat was screaming. And then I limped the rest of the way to the door, where I attempted to greet my guests politely through very clenched teeth. I must have been a pretty picture-- a teary-eyed sardonicus hopping on one foot.

I know that I was walking around the footstool. Gravity must have let me go and allowed me to drift somewhat to the left and the set me down just as I was bringing my right foot forward for another step. Much like when one is trying to walk against the current. The toes are swelling and the foot feels cracked halfway back and across the outer ball of my foot in addition to right across the toes. Needless to say, I did not walk to work today.

Having said all this, I want to know what I ever did to gravity. Or am I a sit-com star in which gravity plays a theoretical Jaime Kennedy? If this is the case, and gravity and his other mythological friends like quarks, electrons, neutrons and the Easter Bunny can kiss my bruised bum. I suppose there is nothing I can do except to take comfort in the fact that gravity had it in for Newton at least as much as it does for me.

So Newton is famous for being clobbered by gravity with an apple-- what do I get? Nobody gave me an apple . . . .

(Part Two of Gravity will appear in the next entry.)

--Hooper