Back to the real world, or so it is as I perceive it . . . .

Okay, so maybe I was a bit incorrect when I stated that people need to learn better ettiquette, math and child-rearing skills in high school-- or at least when it comes to the math. Perhaps people just need calculators. Perhaps all restaurants can supply them from now on.

However, listening skills might be appropriate from time to time. For example, if your server places your bill on the table and tells you that he will take the payment at any time, that means, A) your server has given you your bill, and B) that you pay your server.

If your server sets your "on the side" french dressing on the table and says that it is there, do not copmplain a few minutes later that you never got it.

Bear in mind that if your food is improperly cooked, it is the fault of the kitchen staff and not your server (Unless the steak was placed to the kitchen as well done when you ordered rare, or something like that.) Do not tip your server according to the mistakes made by the kitchen staff. By reducing the tip, you are not sending any form of message to those who screwed up your food. You are simply misdirecting your anger.

Learn to read the menu. Better yet, just learn to read. Most of the bad service that customers receive is caused by their own inability to order correctly or to pay attention.But, by all means, when a server screws up, complain and get things fixed.

I am now amending my declarations to turn off cellular phones in restaurants. You may leave them on to utilize the calculator functions.

Oh, and if the bartender cuts you off, shut up and realize that you are too drunk for him to legally serve you. Do not fight with your friends to get your keys back. Just accept the fact that you managed to get a little too much alcohol in your system for other people to feel comfortable bearing the legal responsibilities or guilt that comes from either serving you or letting you drive--and shut up. Order some water or coffee, and/or call a cab.

If you plan on getting really hammered, then tip the bartender as you go, and don't plan on tipping when you are finished drinking. You will be too drunk to remember-- or you will overtip and not be able to go out again for a long time. If you forget to tip, you will not get pleasant service next time.

If your server appears at your table and your party is in conversation, shut up and do not force the server to stand there while you gab on-- especially if you need something. I know you find this funny to marginalize the server and let her know that she is unimportant and inferior to you in your mind, but it isn't. And you do not get your extra napkins this way.

If your child should have an "accident" at the restaurant, you clean it up. Ask for something with which to do this-- at least make the offer. Remember, you are the one who brought this child into the world or adopted/kidnapped this child. You assumed this responsibilty. You did not get her to the bathroom or missed the boat on the potty training. And you took the kid out in public. It is your mess.

Servers are not janitors. Janitors have special equipment and training, and get paid more for such tasks. Servers make $2-something and hour. This does not cover cleaning up "accidents." And once you have cleaned up this biohazardous material, let the server know what it is so that she can wear gloves and get you a plastic bag to put this in. Oh, and don't let your kid sit in that mess. Child services will be called.

In short, I had nothing to do with how your kid ended up in the world, much less in my booth. But you will not mistreat her in my booth, and I should not have to clean up after your child. I do not have children yet because I do not want to deal with such things. Therefore, as a non-parent, I do not have to deal with such things.

Take care, tip well, and put the kid in pull-ups.

--Hooper