Back to the real world, or so it is as I perceive it . . . .

Ok, so there are a few things that need to be addressed in high school classes in order to make sure that all people are able to function in society.

First, people need to learn to hang up the clothes that they try on in department stores. Leaving the clothing strewn all over the floor makes it harder on the next person who wants to try on clothes to do so comfortably. Also, let's face it: The people who work for these stores do not have all kinds of time to keep re-cleaning the rooms, re-hanging the clothes so that everyone can still find something on the racks, and have time to run and find new sizes for me-- I mean, you.

Next, there are several rules for dining out.
If it is a fast-food restaurant, get off your phone, order your food, and BE SPECIFIC. If you want a diet coke, please say so. If you want sauces, please indicate this. If you need this "to go," then state this. Also, never, EVER act superior to the people behind the counter. They may have degrees and doctorates and whatnot that you could never hope to achieve. Furthermore, do not expect to get all of your food and drinks before the cashier waits on the next person. If possible, most places continue to take orders from the line of hungry customers while other employees on the line fix your food for you. This keeps the wait time down for all of the consumers. It is called multi-tasking. Step aside and let the guy behind you place his order. If you don't, I hope he beats the hell out of you. You are rude and should not be taken out in public.

In a sit-down restaurant:

If you are really thirsty, go ahead and order two of your non-alcoholic beverages instead of draining them quickly and forcing your server to run after more and more refills for you. You will be better served if you have something to drink right in front of you rather than having to wait for your server to run and get you a refill.

It is not funny to drain your beverages within a few seconds. Remember that your server has other guests to attend to than just you-- even at your own table most of the time. If the server suggests buying a bottle of wine instead of just drinking glass after glass of wine, it could save you money. Furthermore, you will not have to wait for such a long period of time while the server places the order for the next glass of wine, and then wait for the bartender to fill that order and the server to then walk it out to you.

If you are very thirsty and you know that you will need more beverage soon, even though you still have some in your glass, ask for it while your server is still there. This goes for sauces and silverware, too. Your server cannot read your mind. If you need something and the server is there, then ask for it then. If the server is already going to get something for someone else at your table, then he can get something for you on this trip. Do not wait until he returns and send him on anpother excursion.

If your children are ill-behaved, and you cannot get them to stay seated, find a sitter or stay at home. You only risk injury to your children and others when they get up and run around. Servers and bussers often have limited vision due to tray placement. If a child runs out in front of a server or busser in a part of the server/busser's field of vision that is obstructed by the tray and/or bus-tub, then your child can be stepped on and the server and/or busser could trip and spill hot food or breakable glass everywhere. Keep your kids seated or leave them at home. You don't need the medical bills and neither does anyone else.

Also, it interrupts the other guests' dining experience to listen to your brats yell, and to see them climb and run around all over the place. If you don't want the responsibility of watching them, do not have children. This is avoided by abstaining from sex.

Turn off your cellular phones. You cause your own poor service by not placing your order and ignoring when the server is available to help you. You also annoy the guests around you. Nobody wants to hear your personal or professional business at diner. At least, not if they only get to hear half of the conversation.

Ask questions if you need help with the menu. This makes it easier for the server to avoid mocking you behind your back in the kitchen. If you have something in mind that you would like to eat, but are unsure of how to put that together, then ask.

If you want separate checks, say so at the beginning. Explain who is on which check and give your orders in that order. If you and Bill are on one ticket and Bubba and Jane are on another, you and Bill give your orders together, then Bubba and Jane can give their orders, or vice versa. But never Bill then Bubba, then you then Jane. Kapeesh?

If the restaurant gives out a free bread or soup product, do not expect that you will be given this when the server first approaches your table. The restaurant wants to make money. It does not want for you to fill up on complimentary food products. You show yourself to be cheap, brutish, tacky and of very low class when you ask for a lot of complimentary items.

Do not assume that you know the order in which a restaurant serves its courses. Most of the time, the breads will come with the salad. Not before. And it will never be enough to fill up everyone at the tabel without the dinner. Ever. Do not expect such a thing. Do not ask why you do not have several rolls or breadsticks for two people. Because it runs up the cost of food for all of the other guests, you cheap jackass.

If it is a Mexican-type place, tortilla chips will be served with or before the drinks most of the time. This does not carry over to other-themed restaurants. Nor does it apply to all Mexican-themed restaurants. If you are in doubt, ask your server. But do not tell her the order in which the food should come out. (Unless the salads come out after the main course, or you get your dessert before your appetizers even came out.)

If you are in a foul mood, stay home or realize that the server is not the person who ran over your puppy. If you had to wait longer than you would have liked to be seated, then you should have avoided coming out on a weekend night. If you are in a hurry during your lunch hour, consider sending someone out for take-out, or going to a fast-food place.

Remember when ordering and dealing with time constraints that if you mention this to your server, then he or she can help you select fast items from the menu. Also bear in mind that well-done steaks take nearly half an hour to cook-- and that is just once the kitchen has begun to prepare your meal. Also bear in mind that you are most likely not the first order that the kitchen has to fill that day. If other people in your party are in a hurry and you are not, please remain respectful of them. Get the cold-cut sandwich and not the well-done steak.

If your server is helping another table, wait until he is finished before you ask for his attention. Never yell across a restaurant. Ever. Never interrupt someone else's dining experience for more ketchup. If you do, I hope the other people whose lives you are ruining beat you to a bloody pulp. I really do.

Under no circumstances is it ever acceptable for you to snap your fingers at or touch your server in order to get his attention. If some old, batty bitch in in your party does so, you must leave a tip no smaller than $15.00 or 35%, whichever is greater. And you must apologize. If members of your party cannot keep their hands to themselves, then you cannot take them out in public anymore. Ever. If some bastard among your number insists on touching the behinds of waitresses, and you take him out in public, you should feel as if you have caused a rape. You are evil. If you are the one doing the grabbing and you have a puppy, I'd keep the damned thing out of the road, or your server might just be the person who runs down your dog. But then you still do not get to take it out on the server. Expect to have the police called on you. And leave a large tip anyway. And expect to get slapped.

Your server may be much more highly educated than you are. Keep this in mind especially if you are trashy. If you lack a job, an education, and any skills at all, remember that you must pay for all services that you receive. Bear in mind that your server is at least employed, and probably has a college degree. Do not expect to be treated like royalty. You are not. And if you are, you are not from this country. It is not an honor just have gotten to serve you. Tip well.

This is the most important lesson: Tip according to the overall cost of your food, before any discounts or coupons. Tips should be at the bear, tackiest minimum 15%. Emily Post is now calling for at least 18-20%. 15% is three dollars on every twenty, or $1.50 for ever ten dollars. If you have gotten especially good service, then leave more. If you have stayed a long time or caused problems for the waitstaff or management, then leave much more. Pay for your use of the table. If you stay for two full hours, then that is time that a server could have had another set of guests at that table, and could have made enough money to pay her mortgage or electricity for the month.

If you ran the server to death for your refills, then tip more.

Do not feel like tipping? Then go to a fast-food restaurant. Period. You have someone bring you your drinks and your food and fix your salads, then you pay that person. If you had a housekeeper do these things for you, then you would pay this person. So you have to do this when you are out. If you cannot afford to tip at least appropriately, then do not go out. I do not care how bad your day has been or if it is your anniversary or graduation dinner. Stay home. Order a pizza. (And tip the delivery driver.) Enjoy the company of your party without causing someone else to wait on you. Life is hard. Those who have, get. Those who don't, go to a fast-food place or to the the grocery store. Sorry that you cannot afford to be waited on. But you cannot, so deal with it.

Bear in mind, also that the more you run your server for smaller things, like refills, that the more likely you are to have to wait longer. If she cannot get to the kitchen to make your salads or place your order, then you have ruined your own damned evening and you have no business complaining.

Lastly, the business of gospel tracks. These do not alleviate your responsibility to tip appropriately. If you want to convey how great the Lord is, or that Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Light, then tip much better than 20% when you leave the track. And bear in mind that you could be preaching to the choir. You may feel that getting the server's soul saved is more important than leaving her an appropriate tip, but if she is working on her doctorate of divinity, or preaches at a local homeless shelter, all you have done is killed a tree and wasted the paper. Furthermore, if you have not shown that you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ through your behavior, then do not leave the track. You have just closed a door to witness.

Feel compelled to witness? Then light the light of the Lord shine through you, leave a good tip, and then, if there is time, ask the server about it. If he would be open to hearing about it and there is time, then discuss it with him. If there is not time, then leave a good tip and leave a track. You will not get anyone anywhere by mistreating people and then telling them what the Lord has done for you.

Take care, have a nice life, and tip well. (And turn off your cellular phones.)