This will be funnier if I don't explain what I am told Jennifer said in my defense and in terms of correction to the person who made these off-the-wall comments. This isn't the first time that someone I don't really know has spread odd thoughts and impressions about me, and I know it won't be the last. What I'm wondering is, what hallucinogenic drugs is this chick utilizing?

Here would be my response if I were there, overhearing what Jennifer overheard. (The speaker and the listener had no idea we were related or even knew each other.)

I do not think that being childless at almost 30 years old makes me better than anyone else. I defend the choice I've made, as it is the right choice for me. Since God has not overridden my attempts to thwart conception, He must agree with me. I do not know of anyone who believes that not having children by one's late twenties makes her superior to anyone who opted to breed at an earlier time. Since this topic never came up at the reunion, I do not know how anyone got this impression.

The only thing that would enable a woman who has not ruled out procreation to feel superior to anyone who has at one of these functions would be having maintained her figure while those who had children had all ballooned up. Well, I was there in the flesh. In a surplus of flesh, actually.

The only thing I mentioned at the reunion is that we do not have children yet. Oh, wait! I did mention that I do not have any affinity for canines. I am a cat person. Oh, and I'm not much into pro football, even though I think I am supposed to be ridden out of Pittsburgh on a rail for that. I did mention that I am a Pitt grad, and that I am happy about that.

As to my feeling superior to others because I am a lawyer. What? I attempted to avoid discussing this career topic. At all costs. Those who know me know that this is a sore spot for me and that the job I had until today was incredibly boring-- mind-numbing, actually. But this was one of those times when Hooper needed to keep her mouth shut and just be pleasant, so I said nothing about my career. When pressed, I said that I am a lawyer. When further pressed, I explained that this job is at US Steel in Pittsburgh. Further pressure caused me to excuse myself. This was a temp job. It was boring, irritating, and the only reason I stayed with it was that it paid pretty well. So thinking that I am better than anyone because I am a lawyer? How is that possible?

I don't make more money than anyone else, I don't like my job a whole lot, and I have not saved the world, or even managed to use my degrees to fight for anything in which I believe. I have not accomplished anything with it, met any goals, or fought the good fight. I have coded documents. I have put together a privilege log and done other mindless work necessary to let someone else do the actual litigating and backup work. I have been, basically, a factory worker for litigators. The only reason I can say that I'm practicing law is that I have to be a member of a bar to do the work that I do. Granted, there is a reason for that, but this is highly non-glory work. And it isn't interesting to talk about it. And I don't have anything nice to say about it. I was enough of a downer as it was-- I didn't really talk to a whole lot of people, and I didn't have a whole lot to say at any given point.

Even if I did find myself superior to anyone, why would I say that? And this was not my reunion. It was Kenn's. I was a guest. I went to be the spouse who attends the event and be bored. I went to make sure Kitty had someone to talk to because she did not know a lot of people there. I was moral support for Kenn and for his best friend's wife.

Wait-- I did say one incredibly rude thing: "If you're so interested in Laura, then why don't you pick up the phone and call her sometime?" Sorry, I got really tired of being asked how "Lora" was. (Oh, and it is Law-ra. You can figure out how to say it from how she does. I promise,she says it the way it should be pronounced. It's okay, you don't have to say it wrong just to prove you can ignorantly mispronounce people's names. We'll just believe you are capable of it without the proof.)

The best part of this encounter that was relayed to me? I don't remember talking to anyone who matched this woman's description. Funny.

Not only does this person really not know me, but didn't even relay the stuff I said that really seemed to agitate those to whom I did speak. "How can you not love dogs? Everybody loves dogs. Cats suck!" or "How could you go to Pitt!? Why didn't you go to WVU? I hate Pitt! Why would you go there?" were the responses I received when I expressed the more unpopular thoughts that I have.

So stuff I didn't say to people I don't recognize because I didn't want to complain or to draw attention to myself when it was Kenn's night, and not mine-- have caused me to be described as a child-hating, egocentric condescending, ambulance-chasing bitch. I was expecting to be described as a Dog-hating Pitt grad who doesn't know enough about pro sports to be a Steelers fan-- and she lives in Pittsburgh. Oh, or that girl who must have gained 50 pounds since she graduated, and yelled at me asking how Laura was doing because I said "I miss her soooo much." Or even the girl who, when an aquaintace of Kenn's said, "I didn't expect to see -you- here." I responded with "Um, why not?" Then she said I was snotty to her. (Then don't start with me, you condescending fight-picker.)

And I wasn't the only person there who hasn't bothered to procreate! And Heather's in Dental School. And there were people who . . . oh, nevermind. For whatever reason, this woman thought that I was such an interesting topic that she brought it up three months later to someone who wasn't at the reunion. Just to make sure that her impression of me was known to this person who probably doesn't even remember who I am, much less care.

Really, why would this person whom I have not seen in oh, probably five years find it fascinating that this girl thinks I believe myself to be worth more than those who have had children or were smart enough to avoid law school? Of all the people to bring up, she wanted to talk about Kenn's date. I'm sure the guy she was telling this nonsense to was just SOOOO intrigued. Really. Why would this guy who graduated with Kenn ten and a half years ago give a flying fig what Kenn's wife does, thinks, wears or any of that? I'm so sure he ever even thinks about whether I exist.

Well, then: "Whoever-that-girl-is" was at the reunion and she went around telling people for months afterward that I am a childless lawyer (with delusions of grandeur). She must be really cool. That's it: Keep picking on the geeks from high school. It's even more mature that you superimpose upon them beliefs and motivations that don't exist. And the less believable, the better. But it says a whole lot about you. I guess you feel the need to avoid talking to people at reunions and then extrapolate something that was not there and spread that around to people who don't give a shit. Wow. This geek really made an impression.

Of all the people with all the great accomplishments and witty things to say and interesting stories-- Like, serving a year in Iraq as a soldier in the US Army, or
helping impoverished teens get a great education and a shot at college. Or starting dental school after having given dental care to impoverished children in Guatamala for free. Or having three kids and looking even more gogeous than she did in high school? There were people there who have done some really great stuff. And there were drunken dorks who made complete asses of themselves spitting and leaning on people they never talked to before as they tried to stand and talk incoherenly at the same time. But of all these funny, great, amazing and really annoyingly embarrassing events that happened, things I didn't say or think were what this chick found noteworthy enough to pass on to a guy who I'm sure didn't even remember who I am. She could have at least mentioned that Kenn's tie matched my dress perfectly. Because it did.

So much for standing by the potato ships and flying under the radar. That was my plan. Unfortunately, there were no potato chips.