I don't know when I'll feel normal again. Or when I'll feel like I'm not in a holding pattern, waiting to get my feet on the ground and moving forward. My feet are on the ground, i guess, it's just not ground I like and I don't know how to get to my preferred ground.

Oh, I keep trying. I keep trying to find my way. But it keeps failing. Maybe I should just stop. Stop writing. Stop public journaling. Just disappear until I actually have something worth talking about.

I don't bring anything to the table. I don't add anything, I don't help in any way. I'm just here, taking up space on a couch, waiting to order some food for delivery. I consume but I don't produce. From my way of thinking, that absolutely the worst. I'm a leech. I take from my community and I don't give.

The thing is I hate talking about this with friends. Because I just can't stand hearing how much I mean to them and yadda yadda any more. I can't fucking take it. If one more person tells me that I'm worthwhile and I'll find a job soon because I'm good for it I seriously think I might blow my head off.

i need to get this out of my head but maybe it should go into my hard journal. Because all I hear any more is that I'm a good friend and/or I'm a good person because I basically provide you voyeurs with free content.

Money is good and helpful but I need a job because I need somewhere to be. I need someone to need me, and not for my "heart" or "honesty" or some shit, but for my fucking brain. I need someone who has a great desire to have me at their table because they get what I bring and how it all serves the bottom line.

I've got enough friends.