My first newsroom job was at an “alternative weekly” that did some decent reporting but – let’s face it – was mostly known for once running a full-page picture of a pierced penis on the cover. One of our most popular features at this bastion of free speech was the personal ad. Nearly fifteen years later, the paper still exists, sadly in a more corporate form having, like all good things, been purchased by a conglomerate. But the personal ad survives and is now on-line for my long-distance viewing pleasure.

Let’s take a gander, shall we?

We begin in the men-seeking-women section, and things start off very promising.

TITLE: “A guy with a 5-year plan”

Okay, first of all, he hyphenated “5-year” all by himself, so that’s going to get you to second base right there. Second, he actually lays out a 5-year plan for his imaginary relationship. Mostly it’s predictable and patronizing. But he’s 25 and male, so he can’t really be expected to know that yet. And there is redemption in the following line: “Almost a year has gone by of living together and you have a clear understanding that there is absolutely no healthy thing you can cook or order that I will eat.” Now he has a comma error in that sentence, so that’s going to hurt him on the second-base thing. Still it’s amusing, so I’m letting it slide.

Verdict? I say if you’re just out of college and willing to go through the puppy-training phase, give that guy a call, particularly if your other options in any way include the following gentlemen.

TITLE: It doesn’t even matter what the title is because the first line of the ad is –

“I have herpes…”

That’s really where I stopped reading. Kudos for the openness, but we’ll be having a discussion later about timing and social appropriateness.

This is immediately followed by –

TITLE: “The Realio Dealio”

Are you f-ing kidding me with that? Okay, see, now you must be punished. I am punishing you by not clicking on your ad. Moving on.

TITLE: “PWM ISO an erudite response”

Mmm-kay. I’ll click on that. There’s some hesitation, but I’m clicking.

It says: “Come and in the fire of spring your winter garment of repentance fling/If you know the rest of the quatrain, please respond.”

Dude.

It’s The Rubaiyat by Omar Khayyam, and it goes: “Come, FILL THE CUP, and in the fire of Spring/Your Winter-garment of Repentance fling.”

If you’re going to be obnoxious, at least be correctly obnoxious. Otherwise, you’re just an ass with no date.

Not that the gentlemen make all the mistakes. In our next edition, perhaps we’ll review the women-seeking-men section. Anyone willing to wager a guess as to how many of those ads will include income requirements?