i think i just had what people call a nervous breakdown. ok. maybe i didnt.
i just cried my heart out for 30 minutes, thinking about how incredibly pathetic my life is.

did i tell you? i got lost in london. sort of. actually, i just got on a wrong train and the doors suddenly slid shut and i was left banging my hands on the transparent window parts at my friends on the other side. and soon they were sliding into the blackness. but i got back of course at the next station.

not something i'm proud of. but i just typed that because i wanted to tell you about how i felt when i realised what was happening. in that moment when the doors shut and i realised that i was on the wrong train, my breath stopped in my mouth and i felt a wave of helpless fear and dispair crashing over my head.

thats how i feel now. when i think about my life. i feel like i'm on that train. heading in the completely wrong direction but not in the driver's seat, no power to turn back. i feel like i've lost the person i was last year. when i had a goal, a life to get lost in. you know, all those small little things we spend our time on. now, i'm just an empty shell. wandering in and out of other people's stories, not having one of my own. i am so pathetic that even i am sick of it. i dont want to whine. its grating on my ears too. but i have to get this out.

midyears loom. and guess who isnt ready.

but when i say i'm stressed, i get the same 'dont bluff la' or 'you'll be ok' thrown back in my face.

this is why i say i have no friends in vj

nobody gets me. nobody.