sooo. another oh so interesting conversation with my parents over dinner. (i know i know. i am blogging way too often, but i really... need to trash it out i guess).
so anyway... the dinner conversation is one that i have been playing in my mind to myself. sometimes at night when i lie away, this is the last thing that i remember pondering. or even in school when some lecturer is talking... or even just when i walk home. the conversation is about my life. more specifically, what i am going to be. as in, career and profession and all. basically what i am going to make a living out of.

i think about it all the time. i cant help it that i'm not normal and i dont have an ambition ok... its just. dont you think i'm panicking too? dont you think i'm scared that *gasp* i'm good for nothing? except mugging? (which is precisely what i've been doing all day long. cramming econs notes into my head and now starting on history)... i'd rather i knew too. and trust me i have been trying to figure the damn thing out.

i suppose it really comes down to two root problems. firstly, i am passionate about nothing. well. not nothing exactly, but nothing... careerish. i like many things. but burning passion that makes me wanna do it for the rest of my life? not really. (at this point the annonying voice in my head repeats the quote "many people live lives of quiet desperation") but i cant force it can i. i cant just... decide to be passionate about saving whales or ending poverty or 'moulding the future' or... you know.
secondly, i have no talent. some people are just naturally good at something and so they just naturally want to explore that aspect and naturally go into a career related to that talent. well, i dont have that thing. cause if i did, i really would just... do what i'm good at. sounds easy...

and everytime i get to this part, i'd feel like i'm running into a wall. stuck. dead end. no way out.

it feels bad that i'm studying for studying and exams. i dont want to. but.... i cant explain. i'm frustrated. i wish i had a goal. something to live for.

great. another reason why i think my life sucks.

i must be one of those people who inspire those self help "how to make sure your life is perfect books". which makes me feel, just fine.