bad things happen all the time... one of those things you think will never happen to you. like things you watch unfold on the movie screen...

i learned that my neighbour's dying. i mean, we're all dying. but she's down with terminal cancer. so everynight is like... this reunion thing at her place. her many many relatives and friends come over and talk to her. its a good thing. she's had a life. a good one. lived to see her children grow up...

but i don't really want to be like her. i mean, if i was dying... i'd just rather be alone. i don't want people to come and see me and cry... or just come and see me just because i'm dying. (like i said, we're always dying)...i'd quit collage, pack my belongings, fly to some island, do nothing but drink and read and write all day long... and dance the nights away under the stars. oh yes. flings. and shopping. and other useless empty things. belly button piercing. become a redhead. ride horses on the beach. ride motorcycles...

and, i'd tell everyone the truth about how i feel about them.

its funny how impending death tends to make us want to live. talk about irony. and what of the idea that we're always dying... must impending death be that... dramatic and sudden to force us to live life as it should be lived...

i don't even know why i feel sad. because i'm really rude. hardly ever talk to her... its just this situation's got me thinking... is it wrong for me to envy her? because on some level i do... life can be such a pain in the ass sometimes. and i have a long long way to go.

then my other neighbour is moving out. i'll miss them.

i'm kinda depressed... maybe its the medication. finally saw the doctor. my throats fine, my lungs are clear, my heart is strong. so why did he charge me 18 bucks for 2 kinds of cough medicine i don't know... and i hate cough medicine because it always makes you sleepy. and that means no work done.

useless day today. went out. bought stuff. mindless window shopping...