"Its what I want, I want a different kind of torment, real pains, physical manifestations of a particular behaviour. And drink will be the cause of my problems; not the truth but drink. I prefer an illness you can hold within the walks of a bottle to some intangible, omnipotent illness I can’t put a name to. I’ll know why I’m in pain. Alcohol will occupy my every thought, it’ll fill every second of my life, like filling a succession of little glasses... "

from "how i became stupid". i love this book. kinda emo, kinda ki. kinda... how i feel now.

what can i say. its been a long day.
tuesday timetable sucks... strangely, i kept awake for all lessons even though there were so many. and i even managed to be high after history. (i think i scared some people today. but oh well. i literally couldn't stop myself. high on sugar or something).
i recognise this. i went through this last year. when i, after months, taught my body that it was normal to expect and survive on 3 hours of sleep a day. i've moved onto the next stage.

oh. and history oh history. i really love it. i didnt even feel sleepy when sayers went through the notes. i just... followed him. that probably means i should be bidding econs goodbye for good soon... although i love econs too. i feel like a mother being forced to give up one of her children. how do you choose when you love them all and have poured literally your blood and sweat and tears into each one...then there's the promise that just maybe... one of them will grow up to be... my favourite?

another onesided concersation with my dad about my future.

'you know, the only professional degree open to you is law'
silence
'so you want to be a lawyer.' (no question marks here. and you know what, my legs are jelly just thinking about the public speaking shit. i know i know. many kinds of lawyers. but really... the paperwork, and the long long hours... and. not to mention. the great great time i will spend training to be one.)
more silence.
then. to be polite, i use one of my great assortment of grunts like uh, hmh,nnnm to fill in the blanks.

"There is more to life than love." (y'all hear that?)

"There is lust."- hoho. and we all know how much variety that is.