This is a long and sappy entry. One of those you'll probably find mindblowingly boring. But I have to get it out of my system. Now. Before I forget.

The weekend felt melancholic. Somehow or other, I was filled with a despair about leaving VJ finally, haunted by the idea that that step outside the gates would mean leaving it behind forever as a student. I can't find the words exactly.

But it's surprising right?

As with most other things in my life, VJ and I have a love-hate relationship. There are some things I really really hate about my last two years. But not academically. I'm happy I took the arts (even if, touch wood, I don't get straight As). I'm leaving with a stronger certainty that I'm an arts girl no matter how attractive science looks, no matter how much I may suck at it; I've enjoyed the academic journey. One heck of a ride.

Outside the books, there is little I can say I enjoy. Maybe mostly because I just didn't give it a shot.

But yea... I was hit with the feeling that I'd miss VJ. Perhaps my sister is right, perhaps it really is just the routine I miss.
Knowing that I won't reach school while its still dark out, stone at the stone tables, talk about sex, religion, politics, sex in the same 2 minutes, the lessons, the people... the general sense of being in college.

And my teachers. Haha. I really couldn't have asked for better.

Yep. I'd miss VJ, in some weird way. I can't exactly express it. Even if it is time and youth squandered, it was time and youth all the same.

This is, an unexpected emotion, to say the least. Haha. I was pretty determined from Day 1 to hate VJ. I don't know where somewhere along the way I kinda... lost steam. Maybe I was just... too caught up with surviving the experience that is JC... and I needed reasons to carry on.

Regarding the A levels...
A is for Anticlimax.
12 years of formal education only to end in this. I feel like I've let down a lot of people; everyone who's ever told me I have this potential to "go far" and "do well". And it sucks. It really sucks. It's not my bruised ego I worry about... I've fallen down before academically. I know its just a matter of getting up. But... disappointment sucks.
But... it's done. Cross my fingers and pray like hell that I pulled through.

Perhaps there is a part of me that regrets taking this route. Maybe I'd be happy in poly. But ref above... the subjects were worth it. Its the examinations that suck.

The Future...
Oxford is still pending.[You see. I think, my parents think this entire application was a joke. They're not mentally prepared for the eventuality that I might get in and that I may go. I don't blame them man... I'm not prepared either. I mean, I'd be estatic. But prepared? Nope.It's just... kinda hard to envision.]
UK is still pending.
Arts is... pending?
Perhaps its time for me to grow up and... start believing that its more important to make money than be happy. Welcome to the real world and all.

Moving on...
1) I had sex on the beach!: it tastes like fruit punch. Not what I expected.
2) ... well I never learn do I... Its hard to explain myself; and I get it if you think less of me. Ha. I think less of me too.
3) It was a very long day

...and now I can't sleep.